The decision of a second marriage is usually a lot harder to take than it was your first one. You are older, wiser, more life experienced, but at the same time afraid that this marriage can also go wrong. The first thing to do is lay the past to rest. And then have faith in your future. A second marriage is the beginning of a new life for you and your husband. So you have to start it right. Here are some tips that may help you.
1. Don't compare with your last wedding.
2. If you want a religious ceremony see what it is required: if you belong to the Roman Catholic you will need an annulment; if you are Est Europa Orthodox you just talk with the priest (the church allows a second religious ceremonial for those who are divorced); if you are Episcopalian you will need the bishop's permission to remarry; if you are Conservative or Orthodox Jewish, you will need to receive a Get (Jewish divorce) from your ex-husband.
4. Decide if you want a large or a small reception. The etiquette says that for the second marriage the bride should have a shorter veil (or none) and the gown should not be full length. Also the confetti/rice traditions are improper. The same goes for throwing the garter or the bouquet. But if you want to have all these things, nothing should stop you. It is your decision.
5. Write carefully the guests list. Some of them were at your first wedding too and maybe they won't come. But most of them will send presents as a sign of approval of the new wedding. Usually it's better to leave the ex spouse and ex parents in law out. But if you've remained in good terms you may invite them as well.
6. Pay attention to the children. Announce them as soon as possible. Don't let them hear from someone else but you. They may reject the idea of the second marriage and you have to be very diplomatic in treating the issue. If they are happy for you, you may give them responsibilities according to the age (flower girl, ring bearer, best man, bridesmaid) so they feel welcome in the new formed family.
7. Usually the second wedding is paid entirely by the couple. So you have to be very careful about the budget. But if the parents want to help, let them. After all, they are your parents and they want you to be happy.
8. Wit it being the second marriage some legal issues may be required (especially if there are children involved). Talk to your lawyer about them.
9. You may want a honeymoon. Don't go to a location that brings you old memories. Use the time to create new memories.
And most importantly: don't be ashamed to show the world that you are once again in love. You deserve to be happy.
Sunday, 27 February 2011
Tips for Creating Successful Second Marriages
Second marriages can take more work in order to succeed, but they can be successful. Whether your first marriage ended because of a death or due to a divorce, it is possible to move on from the experience and use it as a learning tool in your next marriage. Sometimes, second marriages can be even more successful than first marriages because both parties have more experience to know what they are looking for in a lifelong partner. That doesn’t mean that second marriages will always be easy and without their problems. With a few helpful tips, you can make your second marriage a success in the wake of a failed relationship in the past.
Recognize the reasons your first marriage failed.
One of the best ways to help ensure that your second marriage will be a success is to take an honest look at the reasons the first one failed. If you are honest with yourself, you can take a step back from your personal feelings and identify the problems that both parties contributed to the divorce. While many times a divorce might be the cause of one partner’s indiscretion or another major flaw, most divorces are the result of a buildup of bad feelings toward each other based on small and petty reasons.
Build a bridge and then get over it.
Second marriages are doomed to fail if one of the partners cannot get over his or her first marriage. If one person brings their baggage from their first marriage into the second marriage, there is no reason even to go through with the second one.
Your new partner is an entirely new person from the one you had during your first marriage. If you continue to expect him to let you down or behave the way your first husband did, you will find ways in which he actually does so. Before even considering a second marriage, make sure you can let go of the hurt feelings and the ill-will that you are holding onto from your first marriage. Carrying these feelings into second marriages (or even another relationship for that matter) can be detrimental to your interactions with your new partner.
If, however, your first marriage ended as the result of a husband’s premature death, make sure that you have given yourself enough time to get over the pain and hurt associated with losing a loved one. Your new partner will never compare to your first husband so trying to replace your first husband is neither healthy nor productive. If you can’t separate your new relationship from the relationship you had with your first husband, you will not be able to have a healthy second marriage.
Children pose an entirely different situation.
Getting married for a second time is difficult enough if you did not have children during that time. You can base your decision solely on your own discretion without needing to be concerned about the impact it will have on your children. If your first marriage resulted in kids, however, it might be much more difficult to transition into a second marriage.
Whether your first marriage ended in divorce or death, some children might feel as though you are trying to replace their father or mother. You can get through this problem successfully, though. Many times, just sitting down with your children and having a conversation with them about your intentions will help them see the situation from your perspective. If you listen to their concerns and answer their questions, you might be surprised at what they are thinking. Simple communication is often the best tool to come to an understanding so that you can each see the other’s perspective. Reassure them that your new partner has become important to you and your happiness.
If this doesn’t help, try to get your new partner to talk to your children with you. If he makes an honest effort to be friends with your children, it might make the situation better and less volatile. Be sure that his actions match his words, too. Instead of just saying that they want to befriend your children, showing them would be much more effective. The children might not see him as an intruder into the family, but rather a welcome new member. Try to explain that the new partner is not a replacement for the former husband and that he are merely trying to enter the family as a loving addition rather than a replacement.
Other times, though, your children might be unreceptive of the idea of a second marriage no matter what you do. In these cases, the best thing you can do is make the best possible decision and hope your children will eventually understand.
Discuss your finances beforehand.
Many people getting involved in second marriages are older than the ones getting married for the first time. As a result, these people might already have an established way of handling their finances in addition to their own resources. Similarly, each partner brings into the second marriage his or her individual debts. If you don’t have a financial plan when you get married the second time, it should be a major topic of discussion before you have the wedding. Arguing over money is one of the main reasons for divorce. In fact, it may have even been the reason for your first marriage being unsuccessful. Both partners should come to an understanding concerning the way to handle the combined finances before you say, “I do” for the second time.
Dealing with the ex-husband.
From trying to decide if you should invite your ex-husband to your second wedding to the troubles of parental rights, the former spouse can pose a great deal of problems for your second marriage. Since you did not have a successful relationship with him to begin with, chances are that you will still have a less than amicable relationship following the divorce. Hopefully, though, you can have a civil relationship. This is simply out of consideration for others that you will need to interact with in the future.
If you have children with him, for instance, try to have a friendly relationship for the sake of your children. If you have mutual friends, try to be civil so your friends don’t feel awkward in social situations in which both of you are involved.
Respecting a deceased spouse.
If you get involved with a man who has lost his wife, try to be respectful of her memory. Reassure him and his children that you do not want to take his deceased wife’s place. On the other hand, he should not constantly bring up his deceased wife in such a way that you feel like you are being compared to her. With all of the issues in a second marriage, trying to be respectful of a dead spouse’s memory can be the most sensitive issue and it can be a difficult task to manage.
There are many issues to deal with in the event of a second marriage. A first marriage is difficult enough to manage, but second marriages have many issues that are more complicated and relationships that need to be dealt with to make the relationship successful. Ideally, you can find a partner that is willing to go through these issues with you and is willing to support you the entire way.
Does Your Marriage Need a Little Extra Spice?
Sexy or sex-starved - which describes your marriage best? If you didn't hesitate to answer the latter, your marriage is in need of some serious TLC - and we're talking tender loving care of the spicy variety. Take this steamy quiz to find out just how adventurous or bland your sex life may really be.
Recognize the reasons your first marriage failed.
One of the best ways to help ensure that your second marriage will be a success is to take an honest look at the reasons the first one failed. If you are honest with yourself, you can take a step back from your personal feelings and identify the problems that both parties contributed to the divorce. While many times a divorce might be the cause of one partner’s indiscretion or another major flaw, most divorces are the result of a buildup of bad feelings toward each other based on small and petty reasons.
Build a bridge and then get over it.
Second marriages are doomed to fail if one of the partners cannot get over his or her first marriage. If one person brings their baggage from their first marriage into the second marriage, there is no reason even to go through with the second one.
Your new partner is an entirely new person from the one you had during your first marriage. If you continue to expect him to let you down or behave the way your first husband did, you will find ways in which he actually does so. Before even considering a second marriage, make sure you can let go of the hurt feelings and the ill-will that you are holding onto from your first marriage. Carrying these feelings into second marriages (or even another relationship for that matter) can be detrimental to your interactions with your new partner.
If, however, your first marriage ended as the result of a husband’s premature death, make sure that you have given yourself enough time to get over the pain and hurt associated with losing a loved one. Your new partner will never compare to your first husband so trying to replace your first husband is neither healthy nor productive. If you can’t separate your new relationship from the relationship you had with your first husband, you will not be able to have a healthy second marriage.
Children pose an entirely different situation.
Getting married for a second time is difficult enough if you did not have children during that time. You can base your decision solely on your own discretion without needing to be concerned about the impact it will have on your children. If your first marriage resulted in kids, however, it might be much more difficult to transition into a second marriage.
Whether your first marriage ended in divorce or death, some children might feel as though you are trying to replace their father or mother. You can get through this problem successfully, though. Many times, just sitting down with your children and having a conversation with them about your intentions will help them see the situation from your perspective. If you listen to their concerns and answer their questions, you might be surprised at what they are thinking. Simple communication is often the best tool to come to an understanding so that you can each see the other’s perspective. Reassure them that your new partner has become important to you and your happiness.
If this doesn’t help, try to get your new partner to talk to your children with you. If he makes an honest effort to be friends with your children, it might make the situation better and less volatile. Be sure that his actions match his words, too. Instead of just saying that they want to befriend your children, showing them would be much more effective. The children might not see him as an intruder into the family, but rather a welcome new member. Try to explain that the new partner is not a replacement for the former husband and that he are merely trying to enter the family as a loving addition rather than a replacement.
Other times, though, your children might be unreceptive of the idea of a second marriage no matter what you do. In these cases, the best thing you can do is make the best possible decision and hope your children will eventually understand.
Discuss your finances beforehand.
Many people getting involved in second marriages are older than the ones getting married for the first time. As a result, these people might already have an established way of handling their finances in addition to their own resources. Similarly, each partner brings into the second marriage his or her individual debts. If you don’t have a financial plan when you get married the second time, it should be a major topic of discussion before you have the wedding. Arguing over money is one of the main reasons for divorce. In fact, it may have even been the reason for your first marriage being unsuccessful. Both partners should come to an understanding concerning the way to handle the combined finances before you say, “I do” for the second time.
Dealing with the ex-husband.
From trying to decide if you should invite your ex-husband to your second wedding to the troubles of parental rights, the former spouse can pose a great deal of problems for your second marriage. Since you did not have a successful relationship with him to begin with, chances are that you will still have a less than amicable relationship following the divorce. Hopefully, though, you can have a civil relationship. This is simply out of consideration for others that you will need to interact with in the future.
If you have children with him, for instance, try to have a friendly relationship for the sake of your children. If you have mutual friends, try to be civil so your friends don’t feel awkward in social situations in which both of you are involved.
Respecting a deceased spouse.
If you get involved with a man who has lost his wife, try to be respectful of her memory. Reassure him and his children that you do not want to take his deceased wife’s place. On the other hand, he should not constantly bring up his deceased wife in such a way that you feel like you are being compared to her. With all of the issues in a second marriage, trying to be respectful of a dead spouse’s memory can be the most sensitive issue and it can be a difficult task to manage.
There are many issues to deal with in the event of a second marriage. A first marriage is difficult enough to manage, but second marriages have many issues that are more complicated and relationships that need to be dealt with to make the relationship successful. Ideally, you can find a partner that is willing to go through these issues with you and is willing to support you the entire way.
Does Your Marriage Need a Little Extra Spice?
Sexy or sex-starved - which describes your marriage best? If you didn't hesitate to answer the latter, your marriage is in need of some serious TLC - and we're talking tender loving care of the spicy variety. Take this steamy quiz to find out just how adventurous or bland your sex life may really be.
How to Help Your Child Accept a Second Marriage
On announcing your forthcoming second marriage, your 6 to 11 year old child has reacted negatively - what should you as a mother do to make it easier? When you're faced with your child's pain and anger during a time of your happiness, it can be a turbulent time. This article presents some ways to help your child come to terms to the new arrangements and learn to accept your impending blended family.
Reassure your child. Even if your child gets along well with your fiancé, remarriage often revives the pain of divorce. Also, through loyalty or fear of betraying his father, your child might want to refuse to participate or help. It is important to reassure him, to tell him that you understand and respect his decision. Prepare him for a solution that lets him off the hook; such as going to his father's place or a friend's place during the wedding. He mustn't feel abandoned but it's important that his refusal to attend won't influence your decision to go ahead. Whatever happens, your marriage will occur because it's a matter for the grown-ups to make decisions about their own lives.
Understand her worries. She may be afraid that perhaps she'll be called upon to move, to share her room with a half or step-sibling. She may be worried about what will happen to her daily play routine, vacation plans and general activities. On the other hand, it may well be that a new marriage will bring about an ease in financial constraints so it is important to be honest and explain how change is always hard for everyone but that there will be some very good changes that come out of the new family situation. Point out how there will be easier ways to do things with more people on board to help out. It is important to be frank, because she will feel betrayed if you try to gloss over the challenges. Reassure her that despite the changes, her relationship with both her parents remains one of love, support and respect for her. And let her know that despite the new marriage, you will be still be there for her, together planning the future, with her as she grows up and supporting one another.
Make it clear that love between adults is not something a child can change. Gently help him to understand that whilst he can manage his toys, homework and choice of clothes, he cannot influence his parent's love life, whether it be divorce or remarriage. In discussing this, never use negative words about him - a child all too easily assumes responsibility for the single parent and can feel a sense of personal blame. Ensure that he does not have any such negative feelings and reassure him that when it comes to affairs of the heart, feelings and love, much cannot be explained and that things just "are". Tell him also that the joy of one person does not equate with the sadness of another - there is room for all the family to feel joy at the coming marriage.
Approach new names with great care. Unless there are very good reasons, it is not a good idea to change a child's last name; it is a threatening challenge to both her personal identity and her connection with her father. It is better to reassure your child firmly that she will keep her father's name and that nothing changes. In terms of a name for the new spouse, discuss this directly with your child and let your child come up with a nickname for her new parent. Finally, explain to her that she has the right to love her new parent without this love taking the place of her love for her father. There is room for both people in her life and if both her father and new parent take their roles seriously, she'll discover the delight of having more people caring about her welfare and needs.
Be patient. A very stubborn refusal that includes rebelliousness and anger won't be resolved overnight. Talk to your ex-husband to get support for helping your child through this transition. If he hasn't remarried before you, odds are he will be in the future, so either he'll have already been through it or he'll be open-eared about what he will experience should this happen to him as well. Show openly to your child that you and your ex-husband still have your child's concerns at heart first and foremost in your discussions; this isn't the time for dragging through old hurts but it is a time for putting your child's concerns first.
Reassure your child. Even if your child gets along well with your fiancé, remarriage often revives the pain of divorce. Also, through loyalty or fear of betraying his father, your child might want to refuse to participate or help. It is important to reassure him, to tell him that you understand and respect his decision. Prepare him for a solution that lets him off the hook; such as going to his father's place or a friend's place during the wedding. He mustn't feel abandoned but it's important that his refusal to attend won't influence your decision to go ahead. Whatever happens, your marriage will occur because it's a matter for the grown-ups to make decisions about their own lives.
Understand her worries. She may be afraid that perhaps she'll be called upon to move, to share her room with a half or step-sibling. She may be worried about what will happen to her daily play routine, vacation plans and general activities. On the other hand, it may well be that a new marriage will bring about an ease in financial constraints so it is important to be honest and explain how change is always hard for everyone but that there will be some very good changes that come out of the new family situation. Point out how there will be easier ways to do things with more people on board to help out. It is important to be frank, because she will feel betrayed if you try to gloss over the challenges. Reassure her that despite the changes, her relationship with both her parents remains one of love, support and respect for her. And let her know that despite the new marriage, you will be still be there for her, together planning the future, with her as she grows up and supporting one another.
Make it clear that love between adults is not something a child can change. Gently help him to understand that whilst he can manage his toys, homework and choice of clothes, he cannot influence his parent's love life, whether it be divorce or remarriage. In discussing this, never use negative words about him - a child all too easily assumes responsibility for the single parent and can feel a sense of personal blame. Ensure that he does not have any such negative feelings and reassure him that when it comes to affairs of the heart, feelings and love, much cannot be explained and that things just "are". Tell him also that the joy of one person does not equate with the sadness of another - there is room for all the family to feel joy at the coming marriage.
Approach new names with great care. Unless there are very good reasons, it is not a good idea to change a child's last name; it is a threatening challenge to both her personal identity and her connection with her father. It is better to reassure your child firmly that she will keep her father's name and that nothing changes. In terms of a name for the new spouse, discuss this directly with your child and let your child come up with a nickname for her new parent. Finally, explain to her that she has the right to love her new parent without this love taking the place of her love for her father. There is room for both people in her life and if both her father and new parent take their roles seriously, she'll discover the delight of having more people caring about her welfare and needs.
Be patient. A very stubborn refusal that includes rebelliousness and anger won't be resolved overnight. Talk to your ex-husband to get support for helping your child through this transition. If he hasn't remarried before you, odds are he will be in the future, so either he'll have already been through it or he'll be open-eared about what he will experience should this happen to him as well. Show openly to your child that you and your ex-husband still have your child's concerns at heart first and foremost in your discussions; this isn't the time for dragging through old hurts but it is a time for putting your child's concerns first.
Thursday, 24 February 2011
The Benefits and Dangers of Marriage
The Benefits and Dangers of Marriage
Reprinted from Ummah.com
Benefits of Marriage
The main benefits of marriage are:
1. Seeking children. Marriage contributes to the building of society, propagation of the human race, and increasing the numbers of Muslims.
2. Pleasing the Prophet (pbuh), by increasing the numbers of his followers.
"Marry the loving and child-bearing, for I shall outnumber the nations by you on the Day of Resurrection." (Ahmad. A similar narration has been recorded by al-Bayhaqi and al-Tabarani, and Hafiz ibn Hajar cited it in "al-Fath" indicating that it is hasan or sahih according to him)
3. Seeking blessings through a righteous child through his Du’a and other good deeds on your behalf after your death, or should the child die young then through his intercession.
"When the son of Adam dies, his good deeds come to an end, except from three [sources] : perennial charity (sadaqah jariyah), knowledge from which benefit is obtained, and a pious child who prays for him." [Riyad al-Saliheen]
Other benefits are:
4. Protection from Satan through legitimate channelling of the sex drive, thereby saving oneself and one’s spouse from related sins.
5. Peace of mind and companionship, development of love and mercy between the spouses.
6. Development of ties between families.
7. Sharing of tasks in the household, such that the overall burden on each person is less.
8. Inculcation of a sense of responsibility and improvement of one’s self through expending effort and making sacrifices for the protection and welfare of one’s family, taking care of their needs (physical, material, emotional, spiritual), and bearing inconveniences and each other’s faults patiently.
Dangers of Marriage
At the same time, there are potential dangers to marriage, which one must watch beware of and try to avoid.
Among them :
1. Failure to earn halal income, such that one turns to increasing his income through haram means, in the effort to spend on one’s family.
2. Failure to fulfil the duties of marriage, in particular the rights of the wife, or failure to be patient with its difficulties.
"Every one of you is a guardian, and every one of you is liable to be questioned about those in his care. The man is a guardian with regard to his family, and is liable to be questioned about those in his care. The woman is a guardian with respect to her husband's house, and is liable to be questioned about that in her care. So, every one of you is a guardian, and every one of you is liable to be questioned about those in his care." (Bukhari, Muslim)
3. Being distracted by one’s family from religious obligations, such that one spends his days and nights in enjoyment with them without caring to ponder over the Hereafter to work for it.
"O you who believe! Let not your wealth or your children distract you from the remembrance of Allah. And whoever does that, they are the losers." [Quran, 63:9]
Conclusion
"A dinar which you spend in the path of Allah, a dinar which you spend [to free] a slave, a dinar which you give as sadaqah to a needy person, and a dinar which you spend on your family: the most superior of these is the one which you spend on your family."
Our Lord! Grant us spouses and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and makes us leaders for the pious. O Allah! Grant blessings and peace to our Messenger Muhammad, and to his Household and Companions
Reprinted from Ummah.com
Benefits of Marriage
The main benefits of marriage are:
1. Seeking children. Marriage contributes to the building of society, propagation of the human race, and increasing the numbers of Muslims.
2. Pleasing the Prophet (pbuh), by increasing the numbers of his followers.
"Marry the loving and child-bearing, for I shall outnumber the nations by you on the Day of Resurrection." (Ahmad. A similar narration has been recorded by al-Bayhaqi and al-Tabarani, and Hafiz ibn Hajar cited it in "al-Fath" indicating that it is hasan or sahih according to him)
3. Seeking blessings through a righteous child through his Du’a and other good deeds on your behalf after your death, or should the child die young then through his intercession.
"When the son of Adam dies, his good deeds come to an end, except from three [sources] : perennial charity (sadaqah jariyah), knowledge from which benefit is obtained, and a pious child who prays for him." [Riyad al-Saliheen]
Other benefits are:
4. Protection from Satan through legitimate channelling of the sex drive, thereby saving oneself and one’s spouse from related sins.
5. Peace of mind and companionship, development of love and mercy between the spouses.
6. Development of ties between families.
7. Sharing of tasks in the household, such that the overall burden on each person is less.
8. Inculcation of a sense of responsibility and improvement of one’s self through expending effort and making sacrifices for the protection and welfare of one’s family, taking care of their needs (physical, material, emotional, spiritual), and bearing inconveniences and each other’s faults patiently.
Dangers of Marriage
At the same time, there are potential dangers to marriage, which one must watch beware of and try to avoid.
Among them :
1. Failure to earn halal income, such that one turns to increasing his income through haram means, in the effort to spend on one’s family.
2. Failure to fulfil the duties of marriage, in particular the rights of the wife, or failure to be patient with its difficulties.
"Every one of you is a guardian, and every one of you is liable to be questioned about those in his care. The man is a guardian with regard to his family, and is liable to be questioned about those in his care. The woman is a guardian with respect to her husband's house, and is liable to be questioned about that in her care. So, every one of you is a guardian, and every one of you is liable to be questioned about those in his care." (Bukhari, Muslim)
3. Being distracted by one’s family from religious obligations, such that one spends his days and nights in enjoyment with them without caring to ponder over the Hereafter to work for it.
"O you who believe! Let not your wealth or your children distract you from the remembrance of Allah. And whoever does that, they are the losers." [Quran, 63:9]
Conclusion
"A dinar which you spend in the path of Allah, a dinar which you spend [to free] a slave, a dinar which you give as sadaqah to a needy person, and a dinar which you spend on your family: the most superior of these is the one which you spend on your family."
Our Lord! Grant us spouses and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and makes us leaders for the pious. O Allah! Grant blessings and peace to our Messenger Muhammad, and to his Household and Companions
Islam and Marriage in the 21st Century
Islam and Marriage in the 21st Century
By Atangana Haashim Abdu-Salaam Kamena
Marriage is a Sunnah
The concept of marriage is one of the most important fundamentals in Islam but many Young Muslims living in the 21st Century ignore this concept. The concept of marriage is so important that it is a practice of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him). Aishah (may Allah be please with her) reported that the Messenger of Allah(peace be upon him) had stated that:
"Marriage is a Sunnah of mine, and whoever does not follow my Sunnah is not of my followers."
The point that is propogated in this essay is to educate the Muslims how important it is to be married, especially living in North America due to the Fitnas (trials, tribulations) and problems that goes around in this society.
There are many reasons why single Muslims should get married. One of the major reasons why Muslims should get married is the fact that this practice is considered part of the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) and one should get married if one has the financial means and confidence to maintain a partner. If the Muslim does not have the financial means to get married, the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) had stated to fast because fasting kills the sexual desires.
Another reason why Muslims should get married is to protect his or herself from committing major sins. Aishah (Allah be please with her) reported that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) has said:
"Get married because I will display your outnumbering the other nations on the day of ressurection.Whoever has wealth should get married, and whoever does not should fast, because fasting is a restraint of desire for him."
North American Culture Entraps Muslims
North America is considered to be a continent where there is absolutely no discipline due to the massive propaganda that goes on in the society. It is a place where Muslims are allowed to get away with commiting major sins such as fornication due to the fact that the society that the Muslims are living in is careless regarding this sinful action. According to Islamic law, fornication is considered to be a very serious sin whose punishment includes stoning to death and/or beating the sinner with lashes. In the North American culture, there is no strict discipline for Muslims when they commit major sins due to the fact that everything is controlled by the disbelievers. And because there is no strict discipline similar to the strict discipline in Muslim countries, Muslims fall into the trap of committng fornication due to the mixture of men and women in high school, college and universities.
Delaying Marriage Causes Problems
One of the reasons why these sinful acts are being committed is because Muslims have decided to delay marriage because of an education. This concept of getting an education before getting married has caused great fitna and many problems among young Muslims going to educational institution in North America. The concept of getting an education before marriage has led to the Muslims having too much free time for themselves and it is because of this concept that young Muslims have fallen into the trap of commiting major sins such as fornication.
The Muslim who has knowledge regarding the issue should be ask this question as follows, where is the statement of getting an education is Fard (obligatory) in order to get married? Where in the Qu'ran and does it state that getting an education is superior over getting married?
This idea of getting an education before getting married is a concept that came from the disbelievers that many Muslims once again fell into. The disbelievers, who do not believe in Allah and his Messenger, are not afraid of commiting fornication because most of them have no divine belief. The disbelievers adapted the concept of having girlfriends, boyfriends, which all leads to commit fornication.
The young Muslims fell into this trap because delaying marriage will eventually lead to fornication because when the Muslims enter educational institutions, they start having conversations with the opposite sex, another concept in Islam that is considered forbidden if one does not have a valid intention. Due to the fact that there is no proof that marriage should be delayed, the Muslims intention should be to get married as as soon as possible in order to protect one from commiting major sins. Abu Hurayrah reported that the messenger of Allah(peace be upon him )said:
"It is a right upon Allah to help one who seeks to marry for the purpose of avoiding what Allah has prohibited."
Marriage is a Shield
The young Muslims should start realizing that marriage is a shield against commiting major sins. The famous excuse for delaying marriage is the financial situation. Usually, the family of the spouse worries that the groom doesn't have the financial means or the mind state to get married.
One should get married even though he/she goes to school. In that way, the Muslim couple wouldn't be commiting any sins and every relation and sexual intercourse would be considered Halal. And when the groom would finish his education, he would eventually get a place for both him and his wife and get a stable job. This would be the ideal solution for Muslims to avoid commiting sins major sins. Allah says in Surat Nur:
"Marry the unmarried among you and the righteous of your male and female servants. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from his favours. Allah is Bountiful and Knowing." Qu'ran 24:32
Parents Must be Aware
The older generation of Muslims also have an impact on how the young Muslim is delaying marriage. They also have a great part on the way they think as well. The Muslim parents are actually the reason why the Muslims end up delaying marriage due to the fact that they have to get an education in order to get married.
The parents of today's young Muslims are teaching their children that in order for them to be married they must have an education or else no marriage. The parents basically have a great part in how Muslims end up committing sins. The problem is the fact that the majority of Muslim parents have absolutely no idea of what goes in these educational institutions. Most of them don't realize that the kafir society allows the mixture of men and women, which is a concept that is forbidden in Islam.
Because these young Muslims are living in the land of the disbelievers, the concept of marriage should be taken more seriously. The older generation of Muslims should be aware of what goes on in the education institutions in order that they can become more wise regarding the future of their children. The Muslim parents should take the issue of marriage more seriously due to the fact that it eventually will contribute towards their children's salvation because it is not education that will save one from the punishments of the hereafter but marriage will.
Racism, Nationalism and Discrimination
Another common problem why young Muslims don't end up getting married are due to racism, nationalism and discrimination. The parents of the Muslim woman might not like the Muslim man due to the fact that he is not Somalian, Ethiopian, Pakistanian or Indian. The older generation of Muslims have become very ignorant regarding the fact that the religion of Islam eliminates racism and nationalism. And if the Muslim man happens to be from another nationality or race, they will make it hard for him to get married to their daughter. They will tell him that he must have such and such money and must have a house or condo in order for them to give their daughter away.
Realistically, for a young Muslim man to have these possessions could take years and since the Muslim man and woman are already involved in an unlawful relationship, they will eventually commit sins.
There is no doubt however that the parents of the Muslim woman must be careful on who they give their daughter away to, however the fact that being a practising Muslim has become not a sufficient reason for the parents to give their daughter away has caused excessive problems in the Muslim community, especially for the reverted Muslims. There are many young men who embrace the religion of Islam and they are many of them who are looking to get married. However, the parents of the Muslim woman will absolutely not give their daughter away due to the fact that he is not from their background. This is not fair for the new Muslims and the parents should give them a chance due to the fact that they have accepted Islam and the fact that they want to do the right thing in the religion.
Marriage Should be Taken More Seriously
In conclusion, all these problems that have been discussed in the essay must come to a stop. The Muslims should realize that the punishments of the grave and the punishments of the Hell fire are far too great to continue with these wrong practices. The concept of marriage of should be taken more seriously especially by Muslims living in North America. Muslims should get married so that they can get salvation in this world and the hereafter.
Life in the 21st century has become great fitna and one should fulfill this duty to prevent one from commiting major sins.
Atangana Haashim Abdu-Salaam Kamena is a reverted Muslim from Christianity. He normally writes controversial essays regarding the Muslim community
By Atangana Haashim Abdu-Salaam Kamena
Marriage is a Sunnah
The concept of marriage is one of the most important fundamentals in Islam but many Young Muslims living in the 21st Century ignore this concept. The concept of marriage is so important that it is a practice of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him). Aishah (may Allah be please with her) reported that the Messenger of Allah(peace be upon him) had stated that:
"Marriage is a Sunnah of mine, and whoever does not follow my Sunnah is not of my followers."
The point that is propogated in this essay is to educate the Muslims how important it is to be married, especially living in North America due to the Fitnas (trials, tribulations) and problems that goes around in this society.
There are many reasons why single Muslims should get married. One of the major reasons why Muslims should get married is the fact that this practice is considered part of the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) and one should get married if one has the financial means and confidence to maintain a partner. If the Muslim does not have the financial means to get married, the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) had stated to fast because fasting kills the sexual desires.
Another reason why Muslims should get married is to protect his or herself from committing major sins. Aishah (Allah be please with her) reported that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) has said:
"Get married because I will display your outnumbering the other nations on the day of ressurection.Whoever has wealth should get married, and whoever does not should fast, because fasting is a restraint of desire for him."
North American Culture Entraps Muslims
North America is considered to be a continent where there is absolutely no discipline due to the massive propaganda that goes on in the society. It is a place where Muslims are allowed to get away with commiting major sins such as fornication due to the fact that the society that the Muslims are living in is careless regarding this sinful action. According to Islamic law, fornication is considered to be a very serious sin whose punishment includes stoning to death and/or beating the sinner with lashes. In the North American culture, there is no strict discipline for Muslims when they commit major sins due to the fact that everything is controlled by the disbelievers. And because there is no strict discipline similar to the strict discipline in Muslim countries, Muslims fall into the trap of committng fornication due to the mixture of men and women in high school, college and universities.
Delaying Marriage Causes Problems
One of the reasons why these sinful acts are being committed is because Muslims have decided to delay marriage because of an education. This concept of getting an education before getting married has caused great fitna and many problems among young Muslims going to educational institution in North America. The concept of getting an education before marriage has led to the Muslims having too much free time for themselves and it is because of this concept that young Muslims have fallen into the trap of commiting major sins such as fornication.
The Muslim who has knowledge regarding the issue should be ask this question as follows, where is the statement of getting an education is Fard (obligatory) in order to get married? Where in the Qu'ran and does it state that getting an education is superior over getting married?
This idea of getting an education before getting married is a concept that came from the disbelievers that many Muslims once again fell into. The disbelievers, who do not believe in Allah and his Messenger, are not afraid of commiting fornication because most of them have no divine belief. The disbelievers adapted the concept of having girlfriends, boyfriends, which all leads to commit fornication.
The young Muslims fell into this trap because delaying marriage will eventually lead to fornication because when the Muslims enter educational institutions, they start having conversations with the opposite sex, another concept in Islam that is considered forbidden if one does not have a valid intention. Due to the fact that there is no proof that marriage should be delayed, the Muslims intention should be to get married as as soon as possible in order to protect one from commiting major sins. Abu Hurayrah reported that the messenger of Allah(peace be upon him )said:
"It is a right upon Allah to help one who seeks to marry for the purpose of avoiding what Allah has prohibited."
Marriage is a Shield
The young Muslims should start realizing that marriage is a shield against commiting major sins. The famous excuse for delaying marriage is the financial situation. Usually, the family of the spouse worries that the groom doesn't have the financial means or the mind state to get married.
One should get married even though he/she goes to school. In that way, the Muslim couple wouldn't be commiting any sins and every relation and sexual intercourse would be considered Halal. And when the groom would finish his education, he would eventually get a place for both him and his wife and get a stable job. This would be the ideal solution for Muslims to avoid commiting sins major sins. Allah says in Surat Nur:
"Marry the unmarried among you and the righteous of your male and female servants. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from his favours. Allah is Bountiful and Knowing." Qu'ran 24:32
Parents Must be Aware
The older generation of Muslims also have an impact on how the young Muslim is delaying marriage. They also have a great part on the way they think as well. The Muslim parents are actually the reason why the Muslims end up delaying marriage due to the fact that they have to get an education in order to get married.
The parents of today's young Muslims are teaching their children that in order for them to be married they must have an education or else no marriage. The parents basically have a great part in how Muslims end up committing sins. The problem is the fact that the majority of Muslim parents have absolutely no idea of what goes in these educational institutions. Most of them don't realize that the kafir society allows the mixture of men and women, which is a concept that is forbidden in Islam.
Because these young Muslims are living in the land of the disbelievers, the concept of marriage should be taken more seriously. The older generation of Muslims should be aware of what goes on in the education institutions in order that they can become more wise regarding the future of their children. The Muslim parents should take the issue of marriage more seriously due to the fact that it eventually will contribute towards their children's salvation because it is not education that will save one from the punishments of the hereafter but marriage will.
Racism, Nationalism and Discrimination
Another common problem why young Muslims don't end up getting married are due to racism, nationalism and discrimination. The parents of the Muslim woman might not like the Muslim man due to the fact that he is not Somalian, Ethiopian, Pakistanian or Indian. The older generation of Muslims have become very ignorant regarding the fact that the religion of Islam eliminates racism and nationalism. And if the Muslim man happens to be from another nationality or race, they will make it hard for him to get married to their daughter. They will tell him that he must have such and such money and must have a house or condo in order for them to give their daughter away.
Realistically, for a young Muslim man to have these possessions could take years and since the Muslim man and woman are already involved in an unlawful relationship, they will eventually commit sins.
There is no doubt however that the parents of the Muslim woman must be careful on who they give their daughter away to, however the fact that being a practising Muslim has become not a sufficient reason for the parents to give their daughter away has caused excessive problems in the Muslim community, especially for the reverted Muslims. There are many young men who embrace the religion of Islam and they are many of them who are looking to get married. However, the parents of the Muslim woman will absolutely not give their daughter away due to the fact that he is not from their background. This is not fair for the new Muslims and the parents should give them a chance due to the fact that they have accepted Islam and the fact that they want to do the right thing in the religion.
Marriage Should be Taken More Seriously
In conclusion, all these problems that have been discussed in the essay must come to a stop. The Muslims should realize that the punishments of the grave and the punishments of the Hell fire are far too great to continue with these wrong practices. The concept of marriage of should be taken more seriously especially by Muslims living in North America. Muslims should get married so that they can get salvation in this world and the hereafter.
Life in the 21st century has become great fitna and one should fulfill this duty to prevent one from commiting major sins.
Atangana Haashim Abdu-Salaam Kamena is a reverted Muslim from Christianity. He normally writes controversial essays regarding the Muslim community
Marriage in Islam
Marriage in Islam
By Reem Sultan
In order to assess marriage in Islam it seems essential to discuss marriage forms which existed before Islam. In those days many kinds of different marriages existed; there was no limit on the number of wives that any one man could have. Of the many forms of marriage in pre-Islamic Arabia, only one is sanctioned in the Qur'an, which is marriage by contract.
Forbidden Forms of Marriage
The forbidden forms include:
Cohabitation (Istibdal), or wife lending. Husbands would occasionally permit their wives to cohabit with an important man for unique offspring with the social standing of this man.
Temporary marriage (Muta'), which was of limited duration, for a fixed fee, and was practiced by travelers or soldiers while away from home for extended periods. It is, however, still considered a valid form of marriage by the Shi'ah sect.
Secret cohabitation by lovers (Akhdan) was without a contract and for an unspecified time.
Marriage by exchange allowed wives or daughters to be exchanged for another man's, without any exchange of dowry.
A purchased marriage had a bought bride, with the price paid to her father or guardian. In some cases, tribal Arabs were reluctant to marry their daughters to outsiders and charged large sums in the belief that their daughters might be better taken care of by wealthy men.
Marriages by capture were permitted in war. Women were either taken as slaves or as wives.
Marriage by inheritance contained a widow who was inherited by the heir or heirs of her deceased husband.
A Maqt marriage allowed a man to marry his father's widow or divorced wife.
A service marriage existed when a poor man worked for the bride's father before the marriage took place, in order to earn the money for a dowry.
Errebu marriage could be arranged by a father who had no sons of his own, as was often done among the Semites. He then adopted the young man, with the intent of marrying him to one of his daughters, with the understanding that the groom would take and carry on the family name.
Experimental cohabitation (Sifah) is self-explanatory, and may or may not end in a contract marriage.
Concubinage (mainly among the Semites) included as many women as the man could afford. Because polygamy was too costly, childless wives often preferred their men to sleep with slave girls.
Concepts of Islamic Marriage: the Mystery of Pairs
Marriage in Islam is an act that follows the order of Allah on this earth, and a system that is followed by many.
Allah states:
"Glory to Allah, who created in pairs all things that the earth produces as well as their own (human) kind, and (other) things, of which they have no knowledge." (Qur'an Sura 36, aya 36).
This verse clearly establishes the fact that the whole universe and its various life-systems are created by Allah. The mystery of pairs is the key to the continuous survival of all creation. It runs in man, in animal life, in plant life and in other forms of life of which we have no knowledge. The proton and electron present in the atom, which is the smallest form of matter itself, thus seem to have pairs of opposite energies.
The dominance of the fact of pairs is made clear, with the emphasis that nothing in this world is created without the miracle of sex. It also explains that the grace and beauty of colors in nature in various forms are the consequence of the joint working of the pairs. All these manifestations and scenes of beauty and marvels would come to an end without it. Man would lose all motivation, as well as moments of peace and tranquillity, without women. Many aspects of life, which only the tender and beautiful hands of woman can fulfill, would remain incomplete without her. And many areas of her life would not reach their fulfillment without the strong and loving hands of man. She is the answer to many of his instinctive demands and natural questions. And likewise, without him, the habitation of womanhood would remain desolated and empty. He is the life of the world of her emotions and the remedy for her restlessness and fruitlessness.
This means that the universe is so adorned by its Creator that every element of it becomes a means of completion and perfection of the others. The law of sex is one of its comprehensive and perfect forms. In other words, everything in this world, for the expression of some of its intrinsic capabilities and generic qualities, is dependent on one other area, and the opposite sex provides this area. This is one kind of relation that is found between the pairs, and since both equally need the other there is no question of disgrace or honor.
Marriage is an Exclusive Relationship
Marriage is a solemn contractual agreement between an eligible man and an eligible woman, concluded in the presence of witnesses, whereby they become acknowledged as husband and wife. A liaison between a marriageable couple without a duly witnessed contract is adulterous.
Marriage alternatives, widely talked about in recent years, and becoming features of the so-called "sex revolution" - cohabitation contract, open marriage, swinging couples, swapping, and a variety of some other unhealthy loose morality- cannot be recognized as legitimate life styles. Sex relations through these arrangements are unethical and illegal from an Islamic point of view. Christianity and Judaism, for that matter, also agree. These deviant types of relationships are simply adulterous violations. Marriage implies the exclusive right of each mate of the couple to the sexual favors of the other, and its contract has to conform with well-defined prerequisites, which include a vow made by the marrying couple in front of lawful witnesses.
Thus the marriage contract as conceived of by Muslims is a legal commitment sanctioned by Allah and acknowledged by society. Since the Islamic faith attaches religious values to all types of human behavior, the marriage contract is both a civil agreement and a religious commitment which should be respected and should endure as far as possible.
Significance of Marriage
Reproduction in an organized wholesome manner is admittedly the ultimate objective in the institution of marriage. Yet Islam puts great emphasis on the almost equally important function of marriage as a means of providing companionship and fulfilling other fundamental needs.
The Qur'an, in speaking of this basic function of marriage, draws attention to the Divine wisdom in creating bisexual species, reproduced through mating between two members of the same species but of different sex. It reads:
"And one of His signs is that He created for you, of your species, spouses that you may repose in them; and He has set between you love and mercy. Verily in this there are signs for a people who reflect." (Qur'an sura 30, aya 21)
Here mankind is stated to be created as a dioecious being (a species of two sexes), reproduced through the mating of two genetically similar parties, one to fertilize and the other to conceive.
Allah could have created mankind as a monoecious (monosexual) being, reproduced naturally without need for mating or in such a way as to reproduce through mating without a member of another species. Yet, Allah has chosen to create man as a dioecious being, reproduced through mating with members of his own species. The Qur'an states that the purpose of creating man in this dioecious pattern is to let each mate provide comfort, companionship and a feeling of true care and concern for the other.
Such comfort, companionship and feeling of mutual care and concern could not be afforded in the absence of easy communication. Between two communicating members of humanity, there can be reactions and interactions and cooperation and mutual understanding. These actions, reactions and interactions lead to fulfillment of the mental and psychological needs of the mating couples.
And when they are committed believers, they realize that their love of each other is derived from their commitment and loyalty to obedience to Him. Their mutual love is therefore more durable and heavenly. Even in their act of love they feel a deeper and more enduring joy, resembling their anticipated delight in Paradise when they are closer to their Creator.
Under the Islamic law, it is undesirable for a marriageable person to remain single, even when the intention is to be free to concentrate on prayers and on similar religious ordinances. The monastic attitude has no place in Islam, as declared by the Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam .
Men and women are urged to marry early; and fear of poverty should not be a discouraging factor. The Qur'an assures that Allah shall provide for them from His unbounded favors.
Careful search for a compatible spouse should make marriage failure an exceptional phenomenon. After all, our adventures in life are hardly free from the elements of risk. The crucial steps of the procedural process of marriage are the selection of a spouse and the marriage contract. According to the Islamic law, the role of the bride in these two steps is essential to the validity of the marriage.
Is Marriage Obligatory?
In Islam, marriage is a form of worship of Allah and obedience to His word. Its most important function is that it is an act of piety. The Prophet Mohammed Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam has said: "When a man marries, he has fulfilled half his religion; so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half."
As a religious duty, marriage becomes obligatory for who are able to fulfill its obligations and responsibilities. Allah created mankind, both sexes, out of one living soul, and told them to marry and have children, and to follow the righteous path, although there are some differences between the different schools of Fiqh. According to Imams Abu Hanifah, Ahmed bin Hanbal and Malik bin Anas, although marriage in this origin may be deemed to be desirable, in cases of certain individuals, it becomes obligatory (waajib).
According to Islam, marriage is obligatory for a man who has the means to easily pay the dowry and maintain a wife and children, and who is healthy and fears that if he does not marry he may commit fornication. It is also recommended for a person who has a strong will to control his sexual urge and not to fall prey to the temptations of Satan but whose only aim is to have children. However, marriage is supererogatory for a person who can control his sexual desire; who has no wish to have children and who feels that marriage will not keep him away from his devotion to Allah.
Maliki School
However, according to the Maliki school, if any of three conditions is met then it is obligatory for a Muslim to marry even though he may not be in a position to earn his living. These three conditions are:
If he believes that without marriage he will commit fornication.
If he is unable to fast to control his passion or that he can fast but his fasting does not help him to refrain from adultery.
He cannot even find a servant girl or an utterly poor girl to marry.
Some jurists disagree on this point, and suggest that if he cannot procure lawful livelihood, he must not marry. If at all he married without any hope of getting lawful bread, he will commit theft. Thus in order to avoid one evil, he will be a victim of another.
Hanafi School
The Hanafi school considers marriage obligatory on the following four considerations:
If the man is sure that he will commit fornication if he does not marry.
If he cannot fast, or even if he can fast, it does not help him to control his passion. If fasts help him, he must fast rather than marry.
If he cannot get a servant girl to marry.
If he is able to pay dowry and is capable to earn lawful livelihood. If he is not capable to earn his livelihood lawfully it is not obligatory for him to marry.
Marriage is then forbidden to a man if he does not possess the means to maintain his wife and children or if he suffers from an illness serious enough to affect his wife and his progeny. It is undesirable (makruh) for a man who possesses no sexual desire at all or who has no love for children, or who is sure to be slackened in his religious obligations as a result of marriage, to be married.
Functions of Marriage
A Natural Condition of Life
Islam is a practical religion based in reality, and as such, recognizes the human sexual urge as a natural condition of life. It supports neither the extremes of celibacy (as in monasticism), nor non-marital or extra-marital sex. The Muslim culture does not allow dating between unmarried couples. Marriage is seen as a moral safeguard, a means of legal sexual gratification, tension reduction and legitimate procreation.
A Social Necessity
In addition, marriage is social necessity, for the family is the basis of the Islamic society. As well as preserving and continuing the human race it strengthens the support networks within and between families and communities giving support of a social, as responsibility and induces men to increase their earnings in order to care for their dependents.
Maintaining a Proper Lineage
In addition to what has already been mentioned, other functions of marriage also exist. Maintaining a proper lineage is crucial in Islam and is one of the main functions of marriage. By this Godly system each newborn can be identified by both a mother and father with no difficulty. This is a mean of maintaining an order in society that cannot be crossed.
One might ask, why would the lineage be of such an importance? In Islam there are numerous laws of inheritance, which are based on the lineage and the relationship of the deceased to the heirs. If there were no true laws of lineage established, such rules of inheritance could not be exercised. This explains why Allah has objected to giving one's name to an adopted son or daughter; this would give them the right to inherit that which they are not lawfully entitled.
A Strong Wall Against Corruption
Marriage stands as a strong wall in the face of all which is ill in society. Without the bond of marriage many crimes would be committed. There would be no order in the world whatsoever. Humans would thus behave like animals who have no laws governing their actions. In order to picture what might happen if the laws of marriage did not exist, one should only take a closer look into some existing societies that do not abide by these rules. It is evident that many problems occur in these societies such as the problem of identifying who is the real father, incurable and deadly sexually transmitted diseases, and many other problems that are not found in societies which follow Allah's Word with respect to marriage.
Thus to summarize the main functions of marriage:
A means of emotional and sexual gratification.
A mechanism of tension reduction.
A means of legitimate procreation.
An approach to inter-family alliance and group solidarity.
An act of piety.
It is obedience to Allah and to his Prophet.
Qualifications of Marriage
Allah has given the marrying couple a period of trial in which they can get to know one another a little better (in the presence of a relative). This period is known as the engagement period. The Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam encouraged those who are thinking of marriage to make use of this period to insure that they are right for each other and so that no major problems arise. If the couple find they are compatible to one another, marriage may then follow.
Age
There are certain qualifications in marriage that have to be met before the contract is valid; the first of which is the age of both the husband and wife. The husband has to be a mature individual capable of supporting a family and carrying the job of both a husband and a father. The wife has to have reached the age of puberty and be capable of maintaining a household.
Religion
A Muslim male is allowed to marry a Christian or a Jew (people of the Book) but not an unbeliever, while a Muslim female is only permitted to marry a Muslim male. Allah has a wise reason behind this difference. A Muslim man may marry a woman from the People of the Book on the same terms as he would marry a Muslim woman: he must give her an economic and moral status, and must not be motivated merely by lust or physical desire. A Muslim woman may not marry a non-Muslim man, because her Muslim faith would be affected; in most cultures, even today, the wife ordinarily takes the nationality and status given by her husband's law.
Any man or woman, of any race or faith, may, on accepting Islam, freely marry any Muslim woman or man, provided it be from motives of purity and chastity and not of lewdness.
It is well established that children out of a marriage carry their father's name, nationality and religion. Thus if a Muslim lady marries a Christian (for example), her children would not be Muslims, Islam would have lost those children, and how difficult must it be on the mother for her children to be away from the right path as she knows it! This explains the reason why a Muslim female is only allowed to marry a Muslim male.
A Muslim man is guaranteed that his children will carry his name. Thus, he is allowed to marry from the People of the Book. Possibly, because of his kind treatment to his wife she may decide to convert to Islam (she cannot be forced, since there is no compulsion in religion).
Note that in both cases males and females are not allowed to marry unbelievers. Marriage is a most intimate communion, and the mystery of sex finds its highest fulfillment when intimate spiritual harmony is combined with the physical link. As religion is a real influence in life to both parties or to either party, a difference in this vital matter must affect the lives of both more profoundly than differences of birth, race, language, or position in life. It is therefore only right that the parties to be married should have the same spiritual outlook. If two persons love each other, their outlook in the highest things of life must be the same. Note that religion is not just a mere label or a matter of custom of birth. The two persons may have been born in different religions, but if, by their mutual influence, they come to see the truth in the same way, they must openly accept the same rights and the same social brotherhood/sisterhood. Otherwise the position will become impossible individually and socially.
Prohibited Classes
There is a group of people to whom marriage is prohibited:
22. And marry not women whom your fathers married, except what has already passed; indeed it was shameful and most hateful, and an evil way.
23. Forbidden to you (for marriage) are: your mothers, your daughters, your sisters, your father's sisters, your mother's sisters, your brother's daughters, your sister's daughters, your foster mother who gave you suck, your foster milk suckling sisters, your wives' mothers, your step daughters under your guardianship, born of your wives to whom you have gone in - but there is no sin on you if you have not gone in them (to marry their daughters), - the wives of your sons who (spring) from your own loins, and two sisters in wedlock at the same time, except for what has already passed; verily, Allâh is Oft­Forgiving, Most Merciful.
(Qur'an sura 4, ayah 22-23).
By reason of consanguinity a man cannot marry any female ascendant or descendant of his, or the daughter of any ascendant, however high, or of any descendant, however low. On the ground of affinity he is debarred from marrying a woman who has been the wife of any ascendant of his. This is another reason behind the importance of lineage; a person could potentially marry a prohibited mate if his/her lineage was not clearly identified.
If a boy or girl is fed from the breast milk of a wet nurse when the child under two years old, the wet nurse becomes the milk mother of the baby, and her husband becomes its milk father. This leads to a series of marriage prohibitions on the same lines of prohibitions resulting from blood relationship. The parents of the milk parents become the baby's milk grandparents, end so forth. The children of the milk parents, either by birth or by milk feeding, become the baby's brothers and sisters, and their offspring are the baby's nieces and nephews, and so forth. However, the prohibition does not extend to the baby's own brothers, his parents or grandparents or the offspring of these. They remain strangers to the baby's milk parents and to their relatives.
However, the prohibition of marriage on account of breast-feeding applies only on the following conditions:
The sucking was from the breast of a woman who was at time of sucking no less than nine years old, the minimum age of puberty.
Sucking should have occurred five complete times.
The age of the child at the time of sucking was two years or less. Sucking at a later age is not counted.
The matrimonial relationship is the most intimate and close relationship between the sexes and is also fundamental to the structure of society, the family being the primary unit of human civilization. In this relationship, the status of men and women is equal and both play an equally important role, though different ones, in the establishment and maintenance of the marriage relationship, as well as in its severance. This is fully supported by the teaching and practice of the Prophet and his companions. Women have a full choice as to whom they marry and cannot be married without their free consent.
Abu Hurairah reported Allah's Messenger Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam as saying:
"A woman without a husband must not be married before she is consulted about it, and a virgin must not be married before her permission is obtained."
The same right is given to a woman who was previously married, and is now widowed or divorced and wants to remarry. It is narrated by Ibn Abbas that the Prophet said that a women without a husband has a greater right to (make decisions about) her person than her guardian has.
The Woman's Rights
These two sayings of Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam confirm that Islam has given complete freedom of choice and refusal (or repudiation) to woman in the matter of her marriage. The previous ahadith (sayings of Prophet Muhammad) show that women enjoy equal status and equal rights with men in deciding their contract of marriage. Any marriage which is forced upon any woman widow or divorcee is invalid and can be revoked by the courts.
Another very important point that should be emphasized is that in Islam the wife keeps her identity and legal personality after marriage. She does not lose her identity, as is the case in the western world, where a woman person is amalgamated with her husband and she is called and known by the name of her husband. This is evidence that women are respected and honored in Islam more so than in any other religion which exists now days.
To further support the previous comment the concept of dowry should be discussed. The Qur'an makes it obligatory on the man to offer the woman a dowry as a gesture of goodwill and a sign of his honoring her as a member of the household and a full partner in life. This is an objective expression of the husband's desire to honor her, to recognize her rights and to welcome her into his home as a full partner in building their family life together. Islam has taken all possible measures to insure that a woman is not provision (Zawaj.com editor's note: this seems to be a misprint, and I cannot guess what the author was trying to say) for her maintenance if she does not intend to remarry. And it has strictly forbidden men to take back, at divorce, anything they may have given to their wives by way of dowry, even if it was treasures of gold and silver.
"But if you decide to take one wife in place of another, even if you had given the latter a whole treasure for dower, take not the least bit of it back." (Qur'an sura 4, aya20).
These protections for women do not exist in other religions.
Prior to Islam wives were stripped away from their right of dowry and of future protection in case of divorce or death of the husband. It is thus clear that Islam has protected the interests of the wife and never did put her in a state of oppression as claimed by uninformed individuals.
Polygamy
There is no doubt that polygamy is the most controversial issue in Islam, an issue that the West has considered to be the worst setback for the Islamic religion, partly because of the lack of understanding of the main reason and the holy wisdom behind making it permissible to men.
Polygamy is allowed for many important reasons. There are social, physical and economic reasons for polygamy, such as the following:
In times of war, populations become unbalanced due to the loss of men, leaving more women and orphans unprotected and without support. Therefore, it serves both a social and a moral function to include these surplus women, some of whom are perhaps widows with children, in a normal family unit.
The chronic illness of a wife, whether in mind or body, or her extreme age, could make it difficult for her to maintain a household, care for her children, and care for her husband and his property. It could be of great help to her to have another woman's assistance.
The moderate sexual needs of a woman may not meet the stronger need of her husband.
If a wife is barren and unable to bear children, an alternative to divorce and far more preferable, is polygamy. The Prophet said: "The throne of Heaven shakes when there is a divorce."
Polygamy, or marrying more than one wife, is not a new phenomenon. It has always been with mankind from time immemorial among different people in various parts of the world. The Arabians were polygamous even before the advent of Islam and so were other people on most parts of the world during that time. The Jahiliyya Arabs used to marry a large number of women and considered them chattel.
With the advent of Islam, limitless polygamy was restricted to four wives and with a number of rules attached to it. It is interesting to mention that there is only one single verse that refers to and permits polygamy; it reads:
"If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry the women of your choice, two, or three, or four. But if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then only one." (Quran sura 4, aya 3).
This verse was revealed after the Battle of Uhud when the Muslims were left with many orphans and widows. The treatment was to be governed by principles of greatest humanity and equality. The verse not merely limited to the orphans but it has a general application about the marriage laws in Islam. The Muslim jurists, therefore, have laid down the following conditions if someone wants to take more than one wife:
He should have enough financial capacity to look after the needs of the additional wives that he has undertaken.
He must do equal justice to them all. Each wife should be treated equally.
An important verse in the Quran is the one in which Allah says that husbands will not be able to treat all wives justly even if they tried. He says:
"You will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much you wish (to do so). But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If you do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful." (Quran sura 4, aya 129).
This means that polygamy is not recommended in Islam because it is hard for husbands to be equal to all wives. This argument should be kept in mind when discussing polygamy and thus polygamy should not occur unless there is an important reason and a real need for it.
At the end of the discussion about polygamy it is important to say that Allah created men knowing that to some, one spouse is not enough, some need more than one to satisfy their natural desires. Thus, for their benefit Allah has allowed for more than one wife. This nature in men is not only present in Muslim men alone; it also exists in the west. Many men have mistresses, meaning many of them commit adultery. Allah, being All Knowing and All Merciful, wanted to insure that the rights of the women and the children that result from polygamous relations be preserved.
Marriage is a Serious Commitment
Because Islam considers marriage a very serious commitment, it has prescribed certain measures to make the marital bond as permanent as humanly possible. The parties must strive to meet the conditions of proper age, general compatibility, reasonable dowry, good will, free consent, unselfish guardianship, honorable intentions, and judicious discretion. When the couple enter into a marital contract, the intention must be clear to make the bond permanent, free from the casual and temporary designations. For this reason, trial marriages, term marriages, and all marriages that appear experimental, casual, or temporary are forbidden in Islam. In one of his most unequivocal statements, the Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam declared that condemned are the men and women who relish the frequent change of marital partners, that is, the "tasters" who enjoy one partner for a while, then shift to another, then to a third and so on.
However, to insist on the permanent character of marriages does not mean that the marital contract is absolutely indissoluble. Muslims are designated by the Qur'an as a middle nation and Islam is truly a religion of the golden mean, the well-balanced and well-integrated system. This is particularly clear in the case of marriage, which Islam regards as neither a sacrament nor a simple civil contract. Rather, marriage in Islam is something unique with very special features of both sacramental and contractual mature. It is equally true that the alternative to this casual or temporary extremity is not the other extreme of absolute indissolubility of the marital contract. The Islamic course is one of equitable and realistic moderation. The marriage contract should be taken as a serious, permanent bond. But if it does not work well for any valid reason, it may be terminated in kindness and honor, with equity and peace.
With piety as the basis of mate selection, and with the earnest satisfaction of the conditions of marriage, the parties should be well on the way to a happy and fulfilling married life. However, Islam goes much further than this in setting the course of behavior for husbands and wives. Many are the statements of the Qur'an and Sunnah that prescribe kindness and equity, compassion and love, sympathy and consideration, patience and good will. The Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam goes as far as to declare that the best Muslim is the one who is best to his family, and the greatest, most blessed joy in life is a good, righteous wife.
The Obligations of Marriage
The consummation of marriage creates new roles for the parties concerned. Each role is a set of equitable, proportionate rights and obligations. The role of the husband revolves around the moral principle that it is his solemn duty to Allah to treat his wife with kindness, honor, and patience; to keep her honorably or free her from the marital bond honorably; and to cause her no harm or grief. The role of the wife is summarized in the verse that the women have rights even as they have duties, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree over them. This degree is usually interpreted by Muslim scholars in conduction with another passage which states, among other things, that men are trustees, guardians, and protectors of the women because Allah has made some of them excel others and because men expend of their means.
This degree has been misunderstood by Muslims and non-Muslims alike. The verse does not say men are better or worse than women.Nor does it say what excellence really refers to, let alone identify it with manhood or womanhood. This degree may be likened to what sociologists call "instrumental leadership" or external authority in the household due to the division of labor and role differentiation. It does not, however, mean any categorical discrimination or superiority of one sex to the other.
The Husband's Obligations
Translated into rules of behavior, these ethical principles allocated to the wife certain rights and corresponding obligations. Because the Qur'an and Sunnah of the Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam have commanded kindness to women, it is the husband's duty to consort with his wife in an equitable and kind manner. One specific consequence of this divine command is the husband's responsibility for the full maintenance of the wife, a duty which he must discharge cheerfully, without reproach, injury, or condescendence.
Maintenance entails the wife's incontestable right to lodging, clothing, nourishing, and general care and well being. The wife's residence must be adequate so as to provide with the reasonable level of privacy, comfort, and independence. The wife's material rights are not her only assurances and securities. She has other rights of a moral nature; and they are equally binding and specific. A husband is commanded by the law of Allah to treat his wife with equity, to respect her feelings, and to show her kindness and consideration. She is not to be shown any aversion by her husband or subjected to suspense and uncertainty. A corollary of this rule is that no man is allowed to keep his wife with the intention of inflicting harm on her or hindering her freedom. If he has no love or sympathy for her, she has the right to demand freedom from the marital bond, and no one may stand in her way to a new life.
This appears to be an appropriate place to mention the Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam as a husband; he was very just to his wives, and he was not a burden to them. He used to sew his clothes and repair his shoes by himself. He also used to help in the daily chores around the house, especially when his wives were sick. The Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam was by far the best husband. He has set his Sunnah, which is being followed by many in the Islamic world, and may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him.
The Wife's Obligations
The main obligation of the wife as a partner in a marital relationship is to contribute to the success and blissfulness of the marriage as much as possible. She must be attentive to the comfort and well being of her mate. She may neither offend him nor hurt his feelings. Perhaps nothing can illustrate the point better the Qur'anic statement, which describes the righteous people as those who pray: "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the joy and comfort of out eyes, and guide us to be models or righteousness." (Qur'an sura 25, aya 74)
This is the basis on which all the wife's obligations rest and from which they flow. To fulfill this basic obligation, the wife must be faithful, trustworthy, and honest. More specifically, she must not deceive her mate by deliberately avoiding conception lest it deprives him of legitimate progeny. Nor must she allow any other person to have access to sexual intimacy, which is her husband's exclusive right. A corollary of this is that she must not receive or entertain strange males in her home without his knowledge and consent. Nor may she accept their gifts without his approval. This is probably meant to avoid jealousy, suspicion, gossip, etc., and also to maintain the integrity of all parties concerned. The husband's possessions are her trust. If she has access to any portion thereof, or if she is entrusted with any fund, she must discharge her duty wisely and thriftily. She may not lend or dispose of any of his belongings without his permission.
With respect to intimacy, the wife is to make herself desirable; to be attractive, responsive, and cooperative. A wife may not deny herself to her husband, for the Qur'an speaks of them as a comfort to each other. The wife is not permitted to do anything that may render her companionship less desirable or less gratifying. To insure maximum self-fulfillment for both partners, the husband too is not permitted to do anything on his part that may impede her gratification.
In conclusion, it is apparent that Islam has made the marriage bond to be an intimate and a very respected bond between two individuals. Islam has protected the interests of both spouses, and even made divorce permissible (although not recommended) to the husband, while khul' is permissible to the wife. Since family is the center of Islamic society, a great deal of importance has been assigned to marriage and marriage laws. It is evident that one of the most important Islamic objectives is equality to both husbands and wives.
By Reem Sultan
In order to assess marriage in Islam it seems essential to discuss marriage forms which existed before Islam. In those days many kinds of different marriages existed; there was no limit on the number of wives that any one man could have. Of the many forms of marriage in pre-Islamic Arabia, only one is sanctioned in the Qur'an, which is marriage by contract.
Forbidden Forms of Marriage
The forbidden forms include:
Cohabitation (Istibdal), or wife lending. Husbands would occasionally permit their wives to cohabit with an important man for unique offspring with the social standing of this man.
Temporary marriage (Muta'), which was of limited duration, for a fixed fee, and was practiced by travelers or soldiers while away from home for extended periods. It is, however, still considered a valid form of marriage by the Shi'ah sect.
Secret cohabitation by lovers (Akhdan) was without a contract and for an unspecified time.
Marriage by exchange allowed wives or daughters to be exchanged for another man's, without any exchange of dowry.
A purchased marriage had a bought bride, with the price paid to her father or guardian. In some cases, tribal Arabs were reluctant to marry their daughters to outsiders and charged large sums in the belief that their daughters might be better taken care of by wealthy men.
Marriages by capture were permitted in war. Women were either taken as slaves or as wives.
Marriage by inheritance contained a widow who was inherited by the heir or heirs of her deceased husband.
A Maqt marriage allowed a man to marry his father's widow or divorced wife.
A service marriage existed when a poor man worked for the bride's father before the marriage took place, in order to earn the money for a dowry.
Errebu marriage could be arranged by a father who had no sons of his own, as was often done among the Semites. He then adopted the young man, with the intent of marrying him to one of his daughters, with the understanding that the groom would take and carry on the family name.
Experimental cohabitation (Sifah) is self-explanatory, and may or may not end in a contract marriage.
Concubinage (mainly among the Semites) included as many women as the man could afford. Because polygamy was too costly, childless wives often preferred their men to sleep with slave girls.
Concepts of Islamic Marriage: the Mystery of Pairs
Marriage in Islam is an act that follows the order of Allah on this earth, and a system that is followed by many.
Allah states:
"Glory to Allah, who created in pairs all things that the earth produces as well as their own (human) kind, and (other) things, of which they have no knowledge." (Qur'an Sura 36, aya 36).
This verse clearly establishes the fact that the whole universe and its various life-systems are created by Allah. The mystery of pairs is the key to the continuous survival of all creation. It runs in man, in animal life, in plant life and in other forms of life of which we have no knowledge. The proton and electron present in the atom, which is the smallest form of matter itself, thus seem to have pairs of opposite energies.
The dominance of the fact of pairs is made clear, with the emphasis that nothing in this world is created without the miracle of sex. It also explains that the grace and beauty of colors in nature in various forms are the consequence of the joint working of the pairs. All these manifestations and scenes of beauty and marvels would come to an end without it. Man would lose all motivation, as well as moments of peace and tranquillity, without women. Many aspects of life, which only the tender and beautiful hands of woman can fulfill, would remain incomplete without her. And many areas of her life would not reach their fulfillment without the strong and loving hands of man. She is the answer to many of his instinctive demands and natural questions. And likewise, without him, the habitation of womanhood would remain desolated and empty. He is the life of the world of her emotions and the remedy for her restlessness and fruitlessness.
This means that the universe is so adorned by its Creator that every element of it becomes a means of completion and perfection of the others. The law of sex is one of its comprehensive and perfect forms. In other words, everything in this world, for the expression of some of its intrinsic capabilities and generic qualities, is dependent on one other area, and the opposite sex provides this area. This is one kind of relation that is found between the pairs, and since both equally need the other there is no question of disgrace or honor.
Marriage is an Exclusive Relationship
Marriage is a solemn contractual agreement between an eligible man and an eligible woman, concluded in the presence of witnesses, whereby they become acknowledged as husband and wife. A liaison between a marriageable couple without a duly witnessed contract is adulterous.
Marriage alternatives, widely talked about in recent years, and becoming features of the so-called "sex revolution" - cohabitation contract, open marriage, swinging couples, swapping, and a variety of some other unhealthy loose morality- cannot be recognized as legitimate life styles. Sex relations through these arrangements are unethical and illegal from an Islamic point of view. Christianity and Judaism, for that matter, also agree. These deviant types of relationships are simply adulterous violations. Marriage implies the exclusive right of each mate of the couple to the sexual favors of the other, and its contract has to conform with well-defined prerequisites, which include a vow made by the marrying couple in front of lawful witnesses.
Thus the marriage contract as conceived of by Muslims is a legal commitment sanctioned by Allah and acknowledged by society. Since the Islamic faith attaches religious values to all types of human behavior, the marriage contract is both a civil agreement and a religious commitment which should be respected and should endure as far as possible.
Significance of Marriage
Reproduction in an organized wholesome manner is admittedly the ultimate objective in the institution of marriage. Yet Islam puts great emphasis on the almost equally important function of marriage as a means of providing companionship and fulfilling other fundamental needs.
The Qur'an, in speaking of this basic function of marriage, draws attention to the Divine wisdom in creating bisexual species, reproduced through mating between two members of the same species but of different sex. It reads:
"And one of His signs is that He created for you, of your species, spouses that you may repose in them; and He has set between you love and mercy. Verily in this there are signs for a people who reflect." (Qur'an sura 30, aya 21)
Here mankind is stated to be created as a dioecious being (a species of two sexes), reproduced through the mating of two genetically similar parties, one to fertilize and the other to conceive.
Allah could have created mankind as a monoecious (monosexual) being, reproduced naturally without need for mating or in such a way as to reproduce through mating without a member of another species. Yet, Allah has chosen to create man as a dioecious being, reproduced through mating with members of his own species. The Qur'an states that the purpose of creating man in this dioecious pattern is to let each mate provide comfort, companionship and a feeling of true care and concern for the other.
Such comfort, companionship and feeling of mutual care and concern could not be afforded in the absence of easy communication. Between two communicating members of humanity, there can be reactions and interactions and cooperation and mutual understanding. These actions, reactions and interactions lead to fulfillment of the mental and psychological needs of the mating couples.
And when they are committed believers, they realize that their love of each other is derived from their commitment and loyalty to obedience to Him. Their mutual love is therefore more durable and heavenly. Even in their act of love they feel a deeper and more enduring joy, resembling their anticipated delight in Paradise when they are closer to their Creator.
Under the Islamic law, it is undesirable for a marriageable person to remain single, even when the intention is to be free to concentrate on prayers and on similar religious ordinances. The monastic attitude has no place in Islam, as declared by the Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam .
Men and women are urged to marry early; and fear of poverty should not be a discouraging factor. The Qur'an assures that Allah shall provide for them from His unbounded favors.
Careful search for a compatible spouse should make marriage failure an exceptional phenomenon. After all, our adventures in life are hardly free from the elements of risk. The crucial steps of the procedural process of marriage are the selection of a spouse and the marriage contract. According to the Islamic law, the role of the bride in these two steps is essential to the validity of the marriage.
Is Marriage Obligatory?
In Islam, marriage is a form of worship of Allah and obedience to His word. Its most important function is that it is an act of piety. The Prophet Mohammed Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam has said: "When a man marries, he has fulfilled half his religion; so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half."
As a religious duty, marriage becomes obligatory for who are able to fulfill its obligations and responsibilities. Allah created mankind, both sexes, out of one living soul, and told them to marry and have children, and to follow the righteous path, although there are some differences between the different schools of Fiqh. According to Imams Abu Hanifah, Ahmed bin Hanbal and Malik bin Anas, although marriage in this origin may be deemed to be desirable, in cases of certain individuals, it becomes obligatory (waajib).
According to Islam, marriage is obligatory for a man who has the means to easily pay the dowry and maintain a wife and children, and who is healthy and fears that if he does not marry he may commit fornication. It is also recommended for a person who has a strong will to control his sexual urge and not to fall prey to the temptations of Satan but whose only aim is to have children. However, marriage is supererogatory for a person who can control his sexual desire; who has no wish to have children and who feels that marriage will not keep him away from his devotion to Allah.
Maliki School
However, according to the Maliki school, if any of three conditions is met then it is obligatory for a Muslim to marry even though he may not be in a position to earn his living. These three conditions are:
If he believes that without marriage he will commit fornication.
If he is unable to fast to control his passion or that he can fast but his fasting does not help him to refrain from adultery.
He cannot even find a servant girl or an utterly poor girl to marry.
Some jurists disagree on this point, and suggest that if he cannot procure lawful livelihood, he must not marry. If at all he married without any hope of getting lawful bread, he will commit theft. Thus in order to avoid one evil, he will be a victim of another.
Hanafi School
The Hanafi school considers marriage obligatory on the following four considerations:
If the man is sure that he will commit fornication if he does not marry.
If he cannot fast, or even if he can fast, it does not help him to control his passion. If fasts help him, he must fast rather than marry.
If he cannot get a servant girl to marry.
If he is able to pay dowry and is capable to earn lawful livelihood. If he is not capable to earn his livelihood lawfully it is not obligatory for him to marry.
Marriage is then forbidden to a man if he does not possess the means to maintain his wife and children or if he suffers from an illness serious enough to affect his wife and his progeny. It is undesirable (makruh) for a man who possesses no sexual desire at all or who has no love for children, or who is sure to be slackened in his religious obligations as a result of marriage, to be married.
Functions of Marriage
A Natural Condition of Life
Islam is a practical religion based in reality, and as such, recognizes the human sexual urge as a natural condition of life. It supports neither the extremes of celibacy (as in monasticism), nor non-marital or extra-marital sex. The Muslim culture does not allow dating between unmarried couples. Marriage is seen as a moral safeguard, a means of legal sexual gratification, tension reduction and legitimate procreation.
A Social Necessity
In addition, marriage is social necessity, for the family is the basis of the Islamic society. As well as preserving and continuing the human race it strengthens the support networks within and between families and communities giving support of a social, as responsibility and induces men to increase their earnings in order to care for their dependents.
Maintaining a Proper Lineage
In addition to what has already been mentioned, other functions of marriage also exist. Maintaining a proper lineage is crucial in Islam and is one of the main functions of marriage. By this Godly system each newborn can be identified by both a mother and father with no difficulty. This is a mean of maintaining an order in society that cannot be crossed.
One might ask, why would the lineage be of such an importance? In Islam there are numerous laws of inheritance, which are based on the lineage and the relationship of the deceased to the heirs. If there were no true laws of lineage established, such rules of inheritance could not be exercised. This explains why Allah has objected to giving one's name to an adopted son or daughter; this would give them the right to inherit that which they are not lawfully entitled.
A Strong Wall Against Corruption
Marriage stands as a strong wall in the face of all which is ill in society. Without the bond of marriage many crimes would be committed. There would be no order in the world whatsoever. Humans would thus behave like animals who have no laws governing their actions. In order to picture what might happen if the laws of marriage did not exist, one should only take a closer look into some existing societies that do not abide by these rules. It is evident that many problems occur in these societies such as the problem of identifying who is the real father, incurable and deadly sexually transmitted diseases, and many other problems that are not found in societies which follow Allah's Word with respect to marriage.
Thus to summarize the main functions of marriage:
A means of emotional and sexual gratification.
A mechanism of tension reduction.
A means of legitimate procreation.
An approach to inter-family alliance and group solidarity.
An act of piety.
It is obedience to Allah and to his Prophet.
Qualifications of Marriage
Allah has given the marrying couple a period of trial in which they can get to know one another a little better (in the presence of a relative). This period is known as the engagement period. The Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam encouraged those who are thinking of marriage to make use of this period to insure that they are right for each other and so that no major problems arise. If the couple find they are compatible to one another, marriage may then follow.
Age
There are certain qualifications in marriage that have to be met before the contract is valid; the first of which is the age of both the husband and wife. The husband has to be a mature individual capable of supporting a family and carrying the job of both a husband and a father. The wife has to have reached the age of puberty and be capable of maintaining a household.
Religion
A Muslim male is allowed to marry a Christian or a Jew (people of the Book) but not an unbeliever, while a Muslim female is only permitted to marry a Muslim male. Allah has a wise reason behind this difference. A Muslim man may marry a woman from the People of the Book on the same terms as he would marry a Muslim woman: he must give her an economic and moral status, and must not be motivated merely by lust or physical desire. A Muslim woman may not marry a non-Muslim man, because her Muslim faith would be affected; in most cultures, even today, the wife ordinarily takes the nationality and status given by her husband's law.
Any man or woman, of any race or faith, may, on accepting Islam, freely marry any Muslim woman or man, provided it be from motives of purity and chastity and not of lewdness.
It is well established that children out of a marriage carry their father's name, nationality and religion. Thus if a Muslim lady marries a Christian (for example), her children would not be Muslims, Islam would have lost those children, and how difficult must it be on the mother for her children to be away from the right path as she knows it! This explains the reason why a Muslim female is only allowed to marry a Muslim male.
A Muslim man is guaranteed that his children will carry his name. Thus, he is allowed to marry from the People of the Book. Possibly, because of his kind treatment to his wife she may decide to convert to Islam (she cannot be forced, since there is no compulsion in religion).
Note that in both cases males and females are not allowed to marry unbelievers. Marriage is a most intimate communion, and the mystery of sex finds its highest fulfillment when intimate spiritual harmony is combined with the physical link. As religion is a real influence in life to both parties or to either party, a difference in this vital matter must affect the lives of both more profoundly than differences of birth, race, language, or position in life. It is therefore only right that the parties to be married should have the same spiritual outlook. If two persons love each other, their outlook in the highest things of life must be the same. Note that religion is not just a mere label or a matter of custom of birth. The two persons may have been born in different religions, but if, by their mutual influence, they come to see the truth in the same way, they must openly accept the same rights and the same social brotherhood/sisterhood. Otherwise the position will become impossible individually and socially.
Prohibited Classes
There is a group of people to whom marriage is prohibited:
22. And marry not women whom your fathers married, except what has already passed; indeed it was shameful and most hateful, and an evil way.
23. Forbidden to you (for marriage) are: your mothers, your daughters, your sisters, your father's sisters, your mother's sisters, your brother's daughters, your sister's daughters, your foster mother who gave you suck, your foster milk suckling sisters, your wives' mothers, your step daughters under your guardianship, born of your wives to whom you have gone in - but there is no sin on you if you have not gone in them (to marry their daughters), - the wives of your sons who (spring) from your own loins, and two sisters in wedlock at the same time, except for what has already passed; verily, Allâh is Oft­Forgiving, Most Merciful.
(Qur'an sura 4, ayah 22-23).
By reason of consanguinity a man cannot marry any female ascendant or descendant of his, or the daughter of any ascendant, however high, or of any descendant, however low. On the ground of affinity he is debarred from marrying a woman who has been the wife of any ascendant of his. This is another reason behind the importance of lineage; a person could potentially marry a prohibited mate if his/her lineage was not clearly identified.
If a boy or girl is fed from the breast milk of a wet nurse when the child under two years old, the wet nurse becomes the milk mother of the baby, and her husband becomes its milk father. This leads to a series of marriage prohibitions on the same lines of prohibitions resulting from blood relationship. The parents of the milk parents become the baby's milk grandparents, end so forth. The children of the milk parents, either by birth or by milk feeding, become the baby's brothers and sisters, and their offspring are the baby's nieces and nephews, and so forth. However, the prohibition does not extend to the baby's own brothers, his parents or grandparents or the offspring of these. They remain strangers to the baby's milk parents and to their relatives.
However, the prohibition of marriage on account of breast-feeding applies only on the following conditions:
The sucking was from the breast of a woman who was at time of sucking no less than nine years old, the minimum age of puberty.
Sucking should have occurred five complete times.
The age of the child at the time of sucking was two years or less. Sucking at a later age is not counted.
The matrimonial relationship is the most intimate and close relationship between the sexes and is also fundamental to the structure of society, the family being the primary unit of human civilization. In this relationship, the status of men and women is equal and both play an equally important role, though different ones, in the establishment and maintenance of the marriage relationship, as well as in its severance. This is fully supported by the teaching and practice of the Prophet and his companions. Women have a full choice as to whom they marry and cannot be married without their free consent.
Abu Hurairah reported Allah's Messenger Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam as saying:
"A woman without a husband must not be married before she is consulted about it, and a virgin must not be married before her permission is obtained."
The same right is given to a woman who was previously married, and is now widowed or divorced and wants to remarry. It is narrated by Ibn Abbas that the Prophet said that a women without a husband has a greater right to (make decisions about) her person than her guardian has.
The Woman's Rights
These two sayings of Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam confirm that Islam has given complete freedom of choice and refusal (or repudiation) to woman in the matter of her marriage. The previous ahadith (sayings of Prophet Muhammad) show that women enjoy equal status and equal rights with men in deciding their contract of marriage. Any marriage which is forced upon any woman widow or divorcee is invalid and can be revoked by the courts.
Another very important point that should be emphasized is that in Islam the wife keeps her identity and legal personality after marriage. She does not lose her identity, as is the case in the western world, where a woman person is amalgamated with her husband and she is called and known by the name of her husband. This is evidence that women are respected and honored in Islam more so than in any other religion which exists now days.
To further support the previous comment the concept of dowry should be discussed. The Qur'an makes it obligatory on the man to offer the woman a dowry as a gesture of goodwill and a sign of his honoring her as a member of the household and a full partner in life. This is an objective expression of the husband's desire to honor her, to recognize her rights and to welcome her into his home as a full partner in building their family life together. Islam has taken all possible measures to insure that a woman is not provision (Zawaj.com editor's note: this seems to be a misprint, and I cannot guess what the author was trying to say) for her maintenance if she does not intend to remarry. And it has strictly forbidden men to take back, at divorce, anything they may have given to their wives by way of dowry, even if it was treasures of gold and silver.
"But if you decide to take one wife in place of another, even if you had given the latter a whole treasure for dower, take not the least bit of it back." (Qur'an sura 4, aya20).
These protections for women do not exist in other religions.
Prior to Islam wives were stripped away from their right of dowry and of future protection in case of divorce or death of the husband. It is thus clear that Islam has protected the interests of the wife and never did put her in a state of oppression as claimed by uninformed individuals.
Polygamy
There is no doubt that polygamy is the most controversial issue in Islam, an issue that the West has considered to be the worst setback for the Islamic religion, partly because of the lack of understanding of the main reason and the holy wisdom behind making it permissible to men.
Polygamy is allowed for many important reasons. There are social, physical and economic reasons for polygamy, such as the following:
In times of war, populations become unbalanced due to the loss of men, leaving more women and orphans unprotected and without support. Therefore, it serves both a social and a moral function to include these surplus women, some of whom are perhaps widows with children, in a normal family unit.
The chronic illness of a wife, whether in mind or body, or her extreme age, could make it difficult for her to maintain a household, care for her children, and care for her husband and his property. It could be of great help to her to have another woman's assistance.
The moderate sexual needs of a woman may not meet the stronger need of her husband.
If a wife is barren and unable to bear children, an alternative to divorce and far more preferable, is polygamy. The Prophet said: "The throne of Heaven shakes when there is a divorce."
Polygamy, or marrying more than one wife, is not a new phenomenon. It has always been with mankind from time immemorial among different people in various parts of the world. The Arabians were polygamous even before the advent of Islam and so were other people on most parts of the world during that time. The Jahiliyya Arabs used to marry a large number of women and considered them chattel.
With the advent of Islam, limitless polygamy was restricted to four wives and with a number of rules attached to it. It is interesting to mention that there is only one single verse that refers to and permits polygamy; it reads:
"If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry the women of your choice, two, or three, or four. But if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then only one." (Quran sura 4, aya 3).
This verse was revealed after the Battle of Uhud when the Muslims were left with many orphans and widows. The treatment was to be governed by principles of greatest humanity and equality. The verse not merely limited to the orphans but it has a general application about the marriage laws in Islam. The Muslim jurists, therefore, have laid down the following conditions if someone wants to take more than one wife:
He should have enough financial capacity to look after the needs of the additional wives that he has undertaken.
He must do equal justice to them all. Each wife should be treated equally.
An important verse in the Quran is the one in which Allah says that husbands will not be able to treat all wives justly even if they tried. He says:
"You will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much you wish (to do so). But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If you do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful." (Quran sura 4, aya 129).
This means that polygamy is not recommended in Islam because it is hard for husbands to be equal to all wives. This argument should be kept in mind when discussing polygamy and thus polygamy should not occur unless there is an important reason and a real need for it.
At the end of the discussion about polygamy it is important to say that Allah created men knowing that to some, one spouse is not enough, some need more than one to satisfy their natural desires. Thus, for their benefit Allah has allowed for more than one wife. This nature in men is not only present in Muslim men alone; it also exists in the west. Many men have mistresses, meaning many of them commit adultery. Allah, being All Knowing and All Merciful, wanted to insure that the rights of the women and the children that result from polygamous relations be preserved.
Marriage is a Serious Commitment
Because Islam considers marriage a very serious commitment, it has prescribed certain measures to make the marital bond as permanent as humanly possible. The parties must strive to meet the conditions of proper age, general compatibility, reasonable dowry, good will, free consent, unselfish guardianship, honorable intentions, and judicious discretion. When the couple enter into a marital contract, the intention must be clear to make the bond permanent, free from the casual and temporary designations. For this reason, trial marriages, term marriages, and all marriages that appear experimental, casual, or temporary are forbidden in Islam. In one of his most unequivocal statements, the Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam declared that condemned are the men and women who relish the frequent change of marital partners, that is, the "tasters" who enjoy one partner for a while, then shift to another, then to a third and so on.
However, to insist on the permanent character of marriages does not mean that the marital contract is absolutely indissoluble. Muslims are designated by the Qur'an as a middle nation and Islam is truly a religion of the golden mean, the well-balanced and well-integrated system. This is particularly clear in the case of marriage, which Islam regards as neither a sacrament nor a simple civil contract. Rather, marriage in Islam is something unique with very special features of both sacramental and contractual mature. It is equally true that the alternative to this casual or temporary extremity is not the other extreme of absolute indissolubility of the marital contract. The Islamic course is one of equitable and realistic moderation. The marriage contract should be taken as a serious, permanent bond. But if it does not work well for any valid reason, it may be terminated in kindness and honor, with equity and peace.
With piety as the basis of mate selection, and with the earnest satisfaction of the conditions of marriage, the parties should be well on the way to a happy and fulfilling married life. However, Islam goes much further than this in setting the course of behavior for husbands and wives. Many are the statements of the Qur'an and Sunnah that prescribe kindness and equity, compassion and love, sympathy and consideration, patience and good will. The Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam goes as far as to declare that the best Muslim is the one who is best to his family, and the greatest, most blessed joy in life is a good, righteous wife.
The Obligations of Marriage
The consummation of marriage creates new roles for the parties concerned. Each role is a set of equitable, proportionate rights and obligations. The role of the husband revolves around the moral principle that it is his solemn duty to Allah to treat his wife with kindness, honor, and patience; to keep her honorably or free her from the marital bond honorably; and to cause her no harm or grief. The role of the wife is summarized in the verse that the women have rights even as they have duties, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree over them. This degree is usually interpreted by Muslim scholars in conduction with another passage which states, among other things, that men are trustees, guardians, and protectors of the women because Allah has made some of them excel others and because men expend of their means.
This degree has been misunderstood by Muslims and non-Muslims alike. The verse does not say men are better or worse than women.Nor does it say what excellence really refers to, let alone identify it with manhood or womanhood. This degree may be likened to what sociologists call "instrumental leadership" or external authority in the household due to the division of labor and role differentiation. It does not, however, mean any categorical discrimination or superiority of one sex to the other.
The Husband's Obligations
Translated into rules of behavior, these ethical principles allocated to the wife certain rights and corresponding obligations. Because the Qur'an and Sunnah of the Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam have commanded kindness to women, it is the husband's duty to consort with his wife in an equitable and kind manner. One specific consequence of this divine command is the husband's responsibility for the full maintenance of the wife, a duty which he must discharge cheerfully, without reproach, injury, or condescendence.
Maintenance entails the wife's incontestable right to lodging, clothing, nourishing, and general care and well being. The wife's residence must be adequate so as to provide with the reasonable level of privacy, comfort, and independence. The wife's material rights are not her only assurances and securities. She has other rights of a moral nature; and they are equally binding and specific. A husband is commanded by the law of Allah to treat his wife with equity, to respect her feelings, and to show her kindness and consideration. She is not to be shown any aversion by her husband or subjected to suspense and uncertainty. A corollary of this rule is that no man is allowed to keep his wife with the intention of inflicting harm on her or hindering her freedom. If he has no love or sympathy for her, she has the right to demand freedom from the marital bond, and no one may stand in her way to a new life.
This appears to be an appropriate place to mention the Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam as a husband; he was very just to his wives, and he was not a burden to them. He used to sew his clothes and repair his shoes by himself. He also used to help in the daily chores around the house, especially when his wives were sick. The Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam was by far the best husband. He has set his Sunnah, which is being followed by many in the Islamic world, and may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him.
The Wife's Obligations
The main obligation of the wife as a partner in a marital relationship is to contribute to the success and blissfulness of the marriage as much as possible. She must be attentive to the comfort and well being of her mate. She may neither offend him nor hurt his feelings. Perhaps nothing can illustrate the point better the Qur'anic statement, which describes the righteous people as those who pray: "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the joy and comfort of out eyes, and guide us to be models or righteousness." (Qur'an sura 25, aya 74)
This is the basis on which all the wife's obligations rest and from which they flow. To fulfill this basic obligation, the wife must be faithful, trustworthy, and honest. More specifically, she must not deceive her mate by deliberately avoiding conception lest it deprives him of legitimate progeny. Nor must she allow any other person to have access to sexual intimacy, which is her husband's exclusive right. A corollary of this is that she must not receive or entertain strange males in her home without his knowledge and consent. Nor may she accept their gifts without his approval. This is probably meant to avoid jealousy, suspicion, gossip, etc., and also to maintain the integrity of all parties concerned. The husband's possessions are her trust. If she has access to any portion thereof, or if she is entrusted with any fund, she must discharge her duty wisely and thriftily. She may not lend or dispose of any of his belongings without his permission.
With respect to intimacy, the wife is to make herself desirable; to be attractive, responsive, and cooperative. A wife may not deny herself to her husband, for the Qur'an speaks of them as a comfort to each other. The wife is not permitted to do anything that may render her companionship less desirable or less gratifying. To insure maximum self-fulfillment for both partners, the husband too is not permitted to do anything on his part that may impede her gratification.
In conclusion, it is apparent that Islam has made the marriage bond to be an intimate and a very respected bond between two individuals. Islam has protected the interests of both spouses, and even made divorce permissible (although not recommended) to the husband, while khul' is permissible to the wife. Since family is the center of Islamic society, a great deal of importance has been assigned to marriage and marriage laws. It is evident that one of the most important Islamic objectives is equality to both husbands and wives.
Marriage in Islam: Considered from a Legal Point of View
Marriage in Islam: Considered from a Legal Point of View
By Dr. Ahmad Shafaat
The Right of Free Choice
From a legal point of view Islam views marriage as an 'aqd or contract. Like any other contract the marriage contract requires full and free consent of the parties concerned. The parents or guardian of any of the parties may give advice, choose a marriage partner or use persuasion, but the final decision to enter into a marriage must be the result of a free choice on the part of each partner, even though this freely made choice may consist of nothing but accepting the choice of one's parents or guardian. This right of free choice is fairly well recognized in the case of men but (unfortunately) not in the case of women. In the Holy Qur'an we read:
"Do not inherit women against their will." (4:19)
And in Hadith we find traditions like the following:
Khansa bint Khidhan who had a previous marriage, related that when her father married her and she disapproved of that, she went to the Messenger of Allah and he revoked her marriage. (Bukhari, Ibn Majah)
A [girl who was not married] came to the Messenger of Allah and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice. (Abu Da'ud, on the authority of Ibn 'Abbas)
Just as any adult can enter into any legal contract, so also any adult man or woman can arrange his or her own marriage, provided that during the process of arranging the marriage there is no sexual contact, in other words, there is no dating in the North American style. It is well known that Khadijah, the Prophet's first wife arranged her own marriage with the Prophet. It is true that this happened before sayyadna Muhammad (pbuh) received prophethood. But if an arrangement by a woman of her own marriage were so shameful in the eyes of Allah as it is in the eyes of some Muslims, then Allah would have somehow prevented His Messenger from such a marriage. Moreover, there are some ahadith which show that even after receiving Prophethood sayyadna Muhammad (pbuh) did not disapprove of women arranging their own marriages. We quote here one such hadith:
A woman came to the Messenger of Allah and offered herself to him (in marriage). When she had stood for a long time (without receiving an answer) a man got up and said: Messenger of Allah! Marry her to me if you have no need of her. He asked the man if he had anything to give her as dower (marriage gift), and when he replied that he had nothing but the lower garment he was wearing, the Prophet said: Look for something, even though it be an iron ring. Then when the man had searched and found nothing, Allah's Messenger asked him whether he knew anything of the Qur'an. When the man replied that he knew Surah so and so and Surah so and so, Allah's Messenger said: Go away, I give her to you in marriage. Teach her some of the Qur'an." (Bukhari and Muslim on the authority of Sahl bin Sa'd)
In this hadith a woman is arranging her own marriage but the Prophet does not rebuke her or admonish her in any other way. Thus while it may not be the best thing for a woman to do, if she wishes to she can make a marriage proposal for herself without being blameworthy in the eyes of Allah.
Terms of the Marriage Contract
What are the terms involved in the marriage contract? This contract involves two things:
First, a gift from the husband to the wife, which may be a sum of money, an object of some value such as a ring or such non-material things as acceptance of Islam or teaching a part of the Qur'an (1).
Second, a commitment from both parties to try to make life physically comfortable for each other and to provide emotional, psychological and spiritual happiness to each other, with the responsibility for taking care of economic needs generally falling on the shoulders of the man (2).
At the time of the marriage both partners should have the fullest possible intention of keeping the marriage commitment for life, although under some extreme circumstances it may perhaps be possible to enter into a marriage contract on a temporary basis (3).
Terminating the Marriage Contract
Even though the marriage commitment is for life, should it so happen that after marriage the two partners find it impossible to live together, then Islamic law provides for the termination of the marriage contract. The termination of the marriage contract can be initiated by any party which has decided that the other party cannot or will not satisfactorily fulfill the commitment implicit in the marriage contract, namely, to provide enough physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual happiness. It is evident that the judgment as to whether a marriage partner is getting enough satisfaction out of his or her marriage is a subjective one and therefore belongs entirely to the partner himself or herself. Consequently, for the dissolution of marriage Islam does not require that a partner prove to some authority such as a court that there has indeed been a failing on the part of the other partner in the fulfillment of his or her marital obligations. It is enough for the dissatisfied partner to say that he or she can no longer love or respect the other partner to be able to continue living with him or her. Third parties such as relatives, the community, etc. can and indeed should (4:35) get involved at some stage of marriage difficulties and try to prevent the break-up of the marriage through counseling, etc.; but they cannot oblige any marriage partner to remain in the marriage bond, as for example the Catholic church or the Hindu tradition that obliges couples to remain tied in marriage until one of the partners dies.
A man can on his own dissolve the marriage by following a prescribed procedure, the details of which need not concern us here. A woman can dissolve the marriage by asking the husband to divorce her and if he refuses she can go to court which should arrange the terms of dissolution as regards to compensation and order the husband to dissolve the marriage (4). To avoid this procedure the woman can include in the marriage contract the condition that she can dissolve the marriage without having to go to court.
The party which initiates the divorce may have to pay some compensation to the other party. This compensation may be the return of the marriage gift in the case of a woman initiating the divorce (5) and payment of an alimony in the case of a man taking that step (6). Again, the details of these matters are out of the scope of this article.
The Degree by Which the Husband has Greater Right
In the above outline of the legal view of marriage in Islam, man and women are completely equal partners except in the following respects:
1) Both parties have equal responsibility to provide physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual happiness to each other, but men generally have the added responsibility to provide for the economic needs of the wife.
2) In case the husband initiates divorce, he is obliged by religious law to pay some maintenance expenses (2:241). This prescribed alimony belongs to the wife by right. However, when the woman initiates the divorce she does not pay any compensation to the husband as requirement of religious law; she need at most return part of what she received from the husband as dower if such payment is helpful in an amicable settlement. (2:229)
3) A man can divorce his wife on his own while a woman needs to go through court or introduce into the marriage a clause giving her the right to divorce her husband.
In regard to the above differences the Holy Qur'an says:
"And (wives) shall have rights similar to those (the husbands have) over them, in accordance with justice, (except that) husbands' rights are a degree greater." (2:228)
"Husbands are guardians (qawwamun) of wives because Allah has favoured some more than others and because they (i.e. husbands generally) spend out of their wealth." (4:34)
The first of the above two Qur'anic statements occurs in a long passage dealing with divorce and should be understood in relation to that context. The degree by which husband's rights are greater should therefore be understood as the degree by which the husband is freer than the wife to break the marriage bond. This, however, is not a very big degree since as stated earlier the wife can get out of the marriage bond whenever she wants to, practically without giving any reason. It is only that she has to follow a more indirect procedure.
The second Qur'anic statement refers to the greater responsibility husbands generally have as protectors and providers of women and to the greater say this gives them in making decisions.
The fact that husbands' rights are a degree greater does not effect the claim that in Islam men and women have equal rights, since men's greater rights within the marriage relationship do not mean that men also enjoy greater rights outside that relationship and since within the marriage relationship men's greater rights are completely justified by their greater responsibility. We must remember here that whenever we talk about members of a society having equal rights it is never precluded that members of that society cannot freely enter into terminable arrangements in which some take greater responsibility and therefore also have greater rights. Equality of rights can only be asserted on the assumption of equality of responsibility. This principle sometimes works in favour of women. For example, as mothers women give much more to children than do men as fathers and so Islam recognizes greater rights of mothers over children than of fathers except where economic considerations demand otherwise.
Notes
(1) See the hadith quoted earlier in which the dower for marriage consists of the husband teaching a portion of the Holy Qur'an to the wife. In the following hadith it consists of the husband accepting Islam:
"Umm Sulaym had become a Muslim before Abu Talha and when he asked her in marriage she said: "I have become a Muslim. so if you also become one I shall marry you." Abu Talha accepted Islam and that was the dower arranged between them." (Nasa'i on the authority of Anas)
This hadith also supports the view that men and women can arrange their own marriage.
(2 ) See Qur'an 4:34. The wife can, however, with her own free will choose to share part of the economic burden. Khadijah helped the Prophet and Asma, the daughter of Abu Bakr, helped her poor husband Zubayr.
(3) This is the shi'a view. Sunni traditions admit that temporary marriage was at some point in time allowed in Islam but say that this was later forbidden.
(4) See Qur'an 2:229 in the light of the following hadith:
"The wife of Thabit bin Qays came to the Prophet and said, "Messenger of Allah, I do not reproach Thabit bin Qays in respect of character or religion but I do not want to be guilty of kufran regarding Islam (meaning that she did not like him enough as a marriage partner and so was afraid she might not give him the respect and love due to a husband)." Allah's Messenger asked her if she would give back to Thabit his garden, and when she replied that she would, he told him to accept the garden and declare the divorce." (Bukhari, Nasa'i, Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah and Bayhaqi, on the authority of Ibn Abbas)
(5) See the hadith quoted in the previous note. The wife is not obligated by religious law to pay the compensation and need only do so as part of a settlement with the husband. (Qur'an 2:229)
(6) "For divorced women a reasonable maintenance (should be provided). This is a duty on the righteous." (Qur'an 2:241)
First published in Al-Ummah, Montreal, Canada in 1984. Copyright, Dr. Ahmad Shafaat. The article may be reproduced for Da'wah purpose with proper references.
By Dr. Ahmad Shafaat
The Right of Free Choice
From a legal point of view Islam views marriage as an 'aqd or contract. Like any other contract the marriage contract requires full and free consent of the parties concerned. The parents or guardian of any of the parties may give advice, choose a marriage partner or use persuasion, but the final decision to enter into a marriage must be the result of a free choice on the part of each partner, even though this freely made choice may consist of nothing but accepting the choice of one's parents or guardian. This right of free choice is fairly well recognized in the case of men but (unfortunately) not in the case of women. In the Holy Qur'an we read:
"Do not inherit women against their will." (4:19)
And in Hadith we find traditions like the following:
Khansa bint Khidhan who had a previous marriage, related that when her father married her and she disapproved of that, she went to the Messenger of Allah and he revoked her marriage. (Bukhari, Ibn Majah)
A [girl who was not married] came to the Messenger of Allah and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice. (Abu Da'ud, on the authority of Ibn 'Abbas)
Just as any adult can enter into any legal contract, so also any adult man or woman can arrange his or her own marriage, provided that during the process of arranging the marriage there is no sexual contact, in other words, there is no dating in the North American style. It is well known that Khadijah, the Prophet's first wife arranged her own marriage with the Prophet. It is true that this happened before sayyadna Muhammad (pbuh) received prophethood. But if an arrangement by a woman of her own marriage were so shameful in the eyes of Allah as it is in the eyes of some Muslims, then Allah would have somehow prevented His Messenger from such a marriage. Moreover, there are some ahadith which show that even after receiving Prophethood sayyadna Muhammad (pbuh) did not disapprove of women arranging their own marriages. We quote here one such hadith:
A woman came to the Messenger of Allah and offered herself to him (in marriage). When she had stood for a long time (without receiving an answer) a man got up and said: Messenger of Allah! Marry her to me if you have no need of her. He asked the man if he had anything to give her as dower (marriage gift), and when he replied that he had nothing but the lower garment he was wearing, the Prophet said: Look for something, even though it be an iron ring. Then when the man had searched and found nothing, Allah's Messenger asked him whether he knew anything of the Qur'an. When the man replied that he knew Surah so and so and Surah so and so, Allah's Messenger said: Go away, I give her to you in marriage. Teach her some of the Qur'an." (Bukhari and Muslim on the authority of Sahl bin Sa'd)
In this hadith a woman is arranging her own marriage but the Prophet does not rebuke her or admonish her in any other way. Thus while it may not be the best thing for a woman to do, if she wishes to she can make a marriage proposal for herself without being blameworthy in the eyes of Allah.
Terms of the Marriage Contract
What are the terms involved in the marriage contract? This contract involves two things:
First, a gift from the husband to the wife, which may be a sum of money, an object of some value such as a ring or such non-material things as acceptance of Islam or teaching a part of the Qur'an (1).
Second, a commitment from both parties to try to make life physically comfortable for each other and to provide emotional, psychological and spiritual happiness to each other, with the responsibility for taking care of economic needs generally falling on the shoulders of the man (2).
At the time of the marriage both partners should have the fullest possible intention of keeping the marriage commitment for life, although under some extreme circumstances it may perhaps be possible to enter into a marriage contract on a temporary basis (3).
Terminating the Marriage Contract
Even though the marriage commitment is for life, should it so happen that after marriage the two partners find it impossible to live together, then Islamic law provides for the termination of the marriage contract. The termination of the marriage contract can be initiated by any party which has decided that the other party cannot or will not satisfactorily fulfill the commitment implicit in the marriage contract, namely, to provide enough physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual happiness. It is evident that the judgment as to whether a marriage partner is getting enough satisfaction out of his or her marriage is a subjective one and therefore belongs entirely to the partner himself or herself. Consequently, for the dissolution of marriage Islam does not require that a partner prove to some authority such as a court that there has indeed been a failing on the part of the other partner in the fulfillment of his or her marital obligations. It is enough for the dissatisfied partner to say that he or she can no longer love or respect the other partner to be able to continue living with him or her. Third parties such as relatives, the community, etc. can and indeed should (4:35) get involved at some stage of marriage difficulties and try to prevent the break-up of the marriage through counseling, etc.; but they cannot oblige any marriage partner to remain in the marriage bond, as for example the Catholic church or the Hindu tradition that obliges couples to remain tied in marriage until one of the partners dies.
A man can on his own dissolve the marriage by following a prescribed procedure, the details of which need not concern us here. A woman can dissolve the marriage by asking the husband to divorce her and if he refuses she can go to court which should arrange the terms of dissolution as regards to compensation and order the husband to dissolve the marriage (4). To avoid this procedure the woman can include in the marriage contract the condition that she can dissolve the marriage without having to go to court.
The party which initiates the divorce may have to pay some compensation to the other party. This compensation may be the return of the marriage gift in the case of a woman initiating the divorce (5) and payment of an alimony in the case of a man taking that step (6). Again, the details of these matters are out of the scope of this article.
The Degree by Which the Husband has Greater Right
In the above outline of the legal view of marriage in Islam, man and women are completely equal partners except in the following respects:
1) Both parties have equal responsibility to provide physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual happiness to each other, but men generally have the added responsibility to provide for the economic needs of the wife.
2) In case the husband initiates divorce, he is obliged by religious law to pay some maintenance expenses (2:241). This prescribed alimony belongs to the wife by right. However, when the woman initiates the divorce she does not pay any compensation to the husband as requirement of religious law; she need at most return part of what she received from the husband as dower if such payment is helpful in an amicable settlement. (2:229)
3) A man can divorce his wife on his own while a woman needs to go through court or introduce into the marriage a clause giving her the right to divorce her husband.
In regard to the above differences the Holy Qur'an says:
"And (wives) shall have rights similar to those (the husbands have) over them, in accordance with justice, (except that) husbands' rights are a degree greater." (2:228)
"Husbands are guardians (qawwamun) of wives because Allah has favoured some more than others and because they (i.e. husbands generally) spend out of their wealth." (4:34)
The first of the above two Qur'anic statements occurs in a long passage dealing with divorce and should be understood in relation to that context. The degree by which husband's rights are greater should therefore be understood as the degree by which the husband is freer than the wife to break the marriage bond. This, however, is not a very big degree since as stated earlier the wife can get out of the marriage bond whenever she wants to, practically without giving any reason. It is only that she has to follow a more indirect procedure.
The second Qur'anic statement refers to the greater responsibility husbands generally have as protectors and providers of women and to the greater say this gives them in making decisions.
The fact that husbands' rights are a degree greater does not effect the claim that in Islam men and women have equal rights, since men's greater rights within the marriage relationship do not mean that men also enjoy greater rights outside that relationship and since within the marriage relationship men's greater rights are completely justified by their greater responsibility. We must remember here that whenever we talk about members of a society having equal rights it is never precluded that members of that society cannot freely enter into terminable arrangements in which some take greater responsibility and therefore also have greater rights. Equality of rights can only be asserted on the assumption of equality of responsibility. This principle sometimes works in favour of women. For example, as mothers women give much more to children than do men as fathers and so Islam recognizes greater rights of mothers over children than of fathers except where economic considerations demand otherwise.
Notes
(1) See the hadith quoted earlier in which the dower for marriage consists of the husband teaching a portion of the Holy Qur'an to the wife. In the following hadith it consists of the husband accepting Islam:
"Umm Sulaym had become a Muslim before Abu Talha and when he asked her in marriage she said: "I have become a Muslim. so if you also become one I shall marry you." Abu Talha accepted Islam and that was the dower arranged between them." (Nasa'i on the authority of Anas)
This hadith also supports the view that men and women can arrange their own marriage.
(2 ) See Qur'an 4:34. The wife can, however, with her own free will choose to share part of the economic burden. Khadijah helped the Prophet and Asma, the daughter of Abu Bakr, helped her poor husband Zubayr.
(3) This is the shi'a view. Sunni traditions admit that temporary marriage was at some point in time allowed in Islam but say that this was later forbidden.
(4) See Qur'an 2:229 in the light of the following hadith:
"The wife of Thabit bin Qays came to the Prophet and said, "Messenger of Allah, I do not reproach Thabit bin Qays in respect of character or religion but I do not want to be guilty of kufran regarding Islam (meaning that she did not like him enough as a marriage partner and so was afraid she might not give him the respect and love due to a husband)." Allah's Messenger asked her if she would give back to Thabit his garden, and when she replied that she would, he told him to accept the garden and declare the divorce." (Bukhari, Nasa'i, Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah and Bayhaqi, on the authority of Ibn Abbas)
(5) See the hadith quoted in the previous note. The wife is not obligated by religious law to pay the compensation and need only do so as part of a settlement with the husband. (Qur'an 2:229)
(6) "For divorced women a reasonable maintenance (should be provided). This is a duty on the righteous." (Qur'an 2:241)
First published in Al-Ummah, Montreal, Canada in 1984. Copyright, Dr. Ahmad Shafaat. The article may be reproduced for Da'wah purpose with proper references.
Women: Marriage Without a Guardian
Women: Marriage Without a Guardian
Which View is Correct?
Reprinted from the questions and answers of OurDialogue.com
Question:
You have replied to many questions about marriage and divorce and dealt with many aspects of the problems faced by people. My question is about the case when a woman acts directly to get married to someone without the presence of her father or a guardian. As you have mentioned, many scholars, including major schools of thought, consider such a marriage invalid. Imam Abu Hanifah is of the view that it is valid. In support of the first view, quotations from the Qur'an and Hadith are always cited. How is it that Imam Abu-Hanifah takes a different view? Does he rely on Qur'anic verses and Hadiths? Why cannot the weightier view invalidate the less weighty one?
Answer:
Many scholars, including Imam Al-Shaf'ie, Ahmad ibn Hanbal and Ibn Hazm state clearly that no woman may be married without the presence of her guardian. It is well known that when the woman's father is present, no one other than him may act as a guardian. If he is dead or if he is incapable of acting in such a matter as in the case when the father is insane, then other relatives may act as guardians, according to a particular order which makes the woman's grandfather first in line after the father, then her brother, or her uncle, or her cousin, then other relatives, provided that proximity of relations takes precedence. A woman's adult son may act for her in her marriage contract only if her next of kin is a cousin. If a woman has no guardian, or if her guardian does not agree to act for her, when she is willing to accept the proposal of someone who is of good character and equal to her in social status, then the ruler may take over.
In support of this view, the Qur'anic verse is quoted which may be translated:
"Arrange the marriage of the single woman from among you, as well as such of your male and female slaves who are righteous." (24;32) Another Qur'anic verse is quoted, which may be rendered in translation: "And do not give your women in marriage to men who ascribe divinity to aught beside Allah." (2;221)
They consider that this latter verse addresses guardians, not women. It speaks of the normal state of affairs which is acceptable to Islam that a woman is given away in marriage by her guardian.
Right to the point is the Hadith in which Aisha, the Prophet's wife, quotes him as saying: "A woman may not be married without the presence of her guardian. If she is, then her marriage is invalid, invalid, invalid." (Related by Abu Dawood and At-Tirmithi). Another Hadith is quoted in this respect which states: "No marriage may be made without the presence of a guardian." There are other Hadiths confirming the same opinion.
There is no doubt that the evidence supporting this view is overwhelming. It is true that the first verse which we have quoted may be understood differently as indeed some of the translators of the Qur'an have rendered it in different ways. Similarly, an argument may be made that the second verse addresses the Muslim community as a whole and makes it obligatory on the Muslim community not to allow a marriage between a Muslim woman and a polytheist. But we cannot really say that the community as a whole is ordered to do something in particular and ignore the fact that individual Muslims are also required to make sure that this order is complied with. Moreover, the Hadiths which we have quoted address the point directly and make it absolutely clear that such marriages are invalid.
Imam Abu Hanifah, on the other hand, is of the view that since a woman is allowed in Islam to enter into all sorts of contracts without referring to a guardian or a husband or a father or any relative, she may enter into a marriage contract as well. In support of his view, Imam Abu-Hanifah quotes the Qur'anic verse which speaks of a woman who has been divorced three times. It may be rendered in translation: "Should he (divorce her a third time) she will not thereafter be lawful for him to remarry until she has wedded another husband." (2;230).
Imam Abu-Hanifah says that in this verse, the usage is clear that the woman has herself wedded a new husband. He argues that if the presence of the guardian was necessary, the Qur'anic verse would have made that clear and Allah would have said, "until she has been made to wed another husband."
Imam Abu-Hanifah also quotes in support of his view the verse which speaks of women who have finished their waiting period after the death of their husbands. It says: "When they have reached the end of their term, you shall incur no sin in whatever they do with themselves with decency." (2;234). Again in this verse, the word "do" is attributed to the women themselves. Hence, if a woman does make a marriage contract by herself, her action is valid. As for the Hadiths, Imam Abu-Hanifah says that they are in conflict with the clear and apparent meaning of the Qur'anic statement. As such, he discounts them.
In counter argument, we may say that this latter verse quoted by Imam Abu Hanifah does not specifically mean marriage. It is rather a general statement which refers to actions a woman may take in order to organize her life after having become a widow.
Moreover, it does not follow if what she wants to do is to get married to a new husband, that she enters into the contract without the presence of a guardian. It simply means that when she wants to get married, she has to have her marriage done properly, which means, from the Islamic point of view, that the marriage contract must be attended by her guardian.
I have tried to give you the arguments supporting both views on this question. I hope that I have made it clear that no scholar of repute in our history makes judgment without looking at the question from all angles. He eventually makes his judgment after weighing up the evidence available to him. It may happen that a great scholar makes a mistake. Indeed, every one makes mistakes. We have the Prophet's Hadith which says that "he who makes a ruling in a matter, after studying the question thoroughly, and his judgment happens to be the correct one will have a double reward. But the one who makes a judgment in a certain question and his judgment is mistaken will have a single reward."
There is no doubt in my mind that the first opinion supported by Imam Ahmad, Al-Shaf'ie, Ibn Hazm and others is the weightier opinion on this particular question. Moreover, it is closer to the Islamic spirit of doing everything suitable to protect women and protect the family. It is indeed much more honorable for a woman that her father or guardian acts on her behalf when she gets married. This is more in line with the high standard of serious morality which Islam establishes in its community.
We do not just dismiss an opinion like that of Abu-Hanifah on a certain matter, simply because we have a weightier opinion. What we do is to implement the weightier opinion as far as possible. Certain circumstances may make a less weighty opinion more appropriate in a particular case or situation. Suppose that a community embraces Islam after having lived for centuries allowing women to conduct their own affairs by themselves. It will not come easy to that community that women should no longer act for themselves when they get married. If a Muslim ruler favors a less weightier opinion, his support adds to its weight. Moreover, the cultural and scholarly heritage belongs to the whole nation of Islam and to all its generations. Therefore, we will not just dismiss scholars' opinions because we feel that opposite views are weightier.
Which View is Correct?
Reprinted from the questions and answers of OurDialogue.com
Question:
You have replied to many questions about marriage and divorce and dealt with many aspects of the problems faced by people. My question is about the case when a woman acts directly to get married to someone without the presence of her father or a guardian. As you have mentioned, many scholars, including major schools of thought, consider such a marriage invalid. Imam Abu Hanifah is of the view that it is valid. In support of the first view, quotations from the Qur'an and Hadith are always cited. How is it that Imam Abu-Hanifah takes a different view? Does he rely on Qur'anic verses and Hadiths? Why cannot the weightier view invalidate the less weighty one?
Answer:
Many scholars, including Imam Al-Shaf'ie, Ahmad ibn Hanbal and Ibn Hazm state clearly that no woman may be married without the presence of her guardian. It is well known that when the woman's father is present, no one other than him may act as a guardian. If he is dead or if he is incapable of acting in such a matter as in the case when the father is insane, then other relatives may act as guardians, according to a particular order which makes the woman's grandfather first in line after the father, then her brother, or her uncle, or her cousin, then other relatives, provided that proximity of relations takes precedence. A woman's adult son may act for her in her marriage contract only if her next of kin is a cousin. If a woman has no guardian, or if her guardian does not agree to act for her, when she is willing to accept the proposal of someone who is of good character and equal to her in social status, then the ruler may take over.
In support of this view, the Qur'anic verse is quoted which may be translated:
"Arrange the marriage of the single woman from among you, as well as such of your male and female slaves who are righteous." (24;32) Another Qur'anic verse is quoted, which may be rendered in translation: "And do not give your women in marriage to men who ascribe divinity to aught beside Allah." (2;221)
They consider that this latter verse addresses guardians, not women. It speaks of the normal state of affairs which is acceptable to Islam that a woman is given away in marriage by her guardian.
Right to the point is the Hadith in which Aisha, the Prophet's wife, quotes him as saying: "A woman may not be married without the presence of her guardian. If she is, then her marriage is invalid, invalid, invalid." (Related by Abu Dawood and At-Tirmithi). Another Hadith is quoted in this respect which states: "No marriage may be made without the presence of a guardian." There are other Hadiths confirming the same opinion.
There is no doubt that the evidence supporting this view is overwhelming. It is true that the first verse which we have quoted may be understood differently as indeed some of the translators of the Qur'an have rendered it in different ways. Similarly, an argument may be made that the second verse addresses the Muslim community as a whole and makes it obligatory on the Muslim community not to allow a marriage between a Muslim woman and a polytheist. But we cannot really say that the community as a whole is ordered to do something in particular and ignore the fact that individual Muslims are also required to make sure that this order is complied with. Moreover, the Hadiths which we have quoted address the point directly and make it absolutely clear that such marriages are invalid.
Imam Abu Hanifah, on the other hand, is of the view that since a woman is allowed in Islam to enter into all sorts of contracts without referring to a guardian or a husband or a father or any relative, she may enter into a marriage contract as well. In support of his view, Imam Abu-Hanifah quotes the Qur'anic verse which speaks of a woman who has been divorced three times. It may be rendered in translation: "Should he (divorce her a third time) she will not thereafter be lawful for him to remarry until she has wedded another husband." (2;230).
Imam Abu-Hanifah says that in this verse, the usage is clear that the woman has herself wedded a new husband. He argues that if the presence of the guardian was necessary, the Qur'anic verse would have made that clear and Allah would have said, "until she has been made to wed another husband."
Imam Abu-Hanifah also quotes in support of his view the verse which speaks of women who have finished their waiting period after the death of their husbands. It says: "When they have reached the end of their term, you shall incur no sin in whatever they do with themselves with decency." (2;234). Again in this verse, the word "do" is attributed to the women themselves. Hence, if a woman does make a marriage contract by herself, her action is valid. As for the Hadiths, Imam Abu-Hanifah says that they are in conflict with the clear and apparent meaning of the Qur'anic statement. As such, he discounts them.
In counter argument, we may say that this latter verse quoted by Imam Abu Hanifah does not specifically mean marriage. It is rather a general statement which refers to actions a woman may take in order to organize her life after having become a widow.
Moreover, it does not follow if what she wants to do is to get married to a new husband, that she enters into the contract without the presence of a guardian. It simply means that when she wants to get married, she has to have her marriage done properly, which means, from the Islamic point of view, that the marriage contract must be attended by her guardian.
I have tried to give you the arguments supporting both views on this question. I hope that I have made it clear that no scholar of repute in our history makes judgment without looking at the question from all angles. He eventually makes his judgment after weighing up the evidence available to him. It may happen that a great scholar makes a mistake. Indeed, every one makes mistakes. We have the Prophet's Hadith which says that "he who makes a ruling in a matter, after studying the question thoroughly, and his judgment happens to be the correct one will have a double reward. But the one who makes a judgment in a certain question and his judgment is mistaken will have a single reward."
There is no doubt in my mind that the first opinion supported by Imam Ahmad, Al-Shaf'ie, Ibn Hazm and others is the weightier opinion on this particular question. Moreover, it is closer to the Islamic spirit of doing everything suitable to protect women and protect the family. It is indeed much more honorable for a woman that her father or guardian acts on her behalf when she gets married. This is more in line with the high standard of serious morality which Islam establishes in its community.
We do not just dismiss an opinion like that of Abu-Hanifah on a certain matter, simply because we have a weightier opinion. What we do is to implement the weightier opinion as far as possible. Certain circumstances may make a less weighty opinion more appropriate in a particular case or situation. Suppose that a community embraces Islam after having lived for centuries allowing women to conduct their own affairs by themselves. It will not come easy to that community that women should no longer act for themselves when they get married. If a Muslim ruler favors a less weightier opinion, his support adds to its weight. Moreover, the cultural and scholarly heritage belongs to the whole nation of Islam and to all its generations. Therefore, we will not just dismiss scholars' opinions because we feel that opposite views are weightier.
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
The Need for Physical Attraction
The Need for Physical Attraction
from The 3-Dialogue Rule: One Hundred Muslim Marriages in One Thousand Days
by Kamran A Beg
The extent to which physical compatibility is weighted as a priority will vary from one person to another but what is undeniable is the fundamental desire that each of us harbours in that we wish to partake in a lifelong partnership of marriage with someone who is appealing to our eye. That is perfectly in keeping with human nature and not something one should be embarrassed to admit! The Prophet (PBUH) touched explicitly on the need to feel physically attracted to one's future spouse. Beauty. for example, is earmarked as one of the three secondary parameters comprising the personal preference of a man when choosing a wife. The Prophet (PBUH) further exhorted that if a man finds his prospective wife to be physically attractive it will help to nourish that bond of love and compassion, which underpins compatibility. Thus the Prophet (PBUH) remarked: "Look at her, for it is more likely to establish affection between you" (Ahmed, Abu Dawud, Tirmidhi, Nisai and Ibn Majah). The Prophet (PBUH) also acknowledged that physical chemistry greatly helps to sustain a marriage: "Look at her because that will be more conducive to a longer marriage" (Al-Omar, 1999: p.13). Physical compatibility is not inconsequential: it clearly has a vital role to play in safeguarding the longevity of a marriage. As the Prophet's observations show to discount the need for physical compatibility is to ignore it at your peril! That is nit to say the physical attraction a man feels for a woman is the only secondary parameter informing his life partner choice but none-the-less assuming the woman has the right level of faith, which is the primary parameter driving a man's life partner choice, the woman he marries should have the right blend of secondary parameters in unison with his personal preference with physical attraction for the woman clearly having an important role to play in that personal preference as the Prophet's timeless advice displays.
from The 3-Dialogue Rule: One Hundred Muslim Marriages in One Thousand Days
by Kamran A Beg
The extent to which physical compatibility is weighted as a priority will vary from one person to another but what is undeniable is the fundamental desire that each of us harbours in that we wish to partake in a lifelong partnership of marriage with someone who is appealing to our eye. That is perfectly in keeping with human nature and not something one should be embarrassed to admit! The Prophet (PBUH) touched explicitly on the need to feel physically attracted to one's future spouse. Beauty. for example, is earmarked as one of the three secondary parameters comprising the personal preference of a man when choosing a wife. The Prophet (PBUH) further exhorted that if a man finds his prospective wife to be physically attractive it will help to nourish that bond of love and compassion, which underpins compatibility. Thus the Prophet (PBUH) remarked: "Look at her, for it is more likely to establish affection between you" (Ahmed, Abu Dawud, Tirmidhi, Nisai and Ibn Majah). The Prophet (PBUH) also acknowledged that physical chemistry greatly helps to sustain a marriage: "Look at her because that will be more conducive to a longer marriage" (Al-Omar, 1999: p.13). Physical compatibility is not inconsequential: it clearly has a vital role to play in safeguarding the longevity of a marriage. As the Prophet's observations show to discount the need for physical compatibility is to ignore it at your peril! That is nit to say the physical attraction a man feels for a woman is the only secondary parameter informing his life partner choice but none-the-less assuming the woman has the right level of faith, which is the primary parameter driving a man's life partner choice, the woman he marries should have the right blend of secondary parameters in unison with his personal preference with physical attraction for the woman clearly having an important role to play in that personal preference as the Prophet's timeless advice displays.
Monday, 21 February 2011
Sex in Islam
Sex in Islam
An Islamic Perspective on Sexuality
Muslim Women's League
In Islam, sexuality is considered part of our identity as human beings. In His creation of humankind, God distinguished us from other animals by giving us reason and will such that we can control behavior that, in other species, is governed solely by instinct. So, although sexual relations ultimately can result in the reproduction and survival of the human race, an instinctual concept, our capacity for self-control allows us to regulate this behavior. Also, the mere fact that human beings are the only creatures who engage in sexual relations once they are beyond the physical capacity for reproduction, sets us apart from all other species which engage in sex for the sole purpose of reproduction.
Marriage
For Muslims, based on an understanding of Qur'an and hadith, sexual relations are confined to marriage between a wife and husband. Within this context, the role of a healthy sexual relationship is extremely important. Having and raising children are encouraged among Muslims. Once a child is born, the parents are expected to care for, nurture and prepare the child for adulthood, with a goal of imparting Islam so that the indivdual is equipped with knowledge and willingness to accept and practice Islam and thus become a productive member of society.
Beyond childbearing, sexual relations assume a prominent role in the overall well-being of the marriage. In reading hadith, one is impressed with the Prophet's ability to discuss all issues including those dealing with human sexuality. The topics range from questions about menstruation to orgasm. He apparently was not embarassed by such inquiries, but strove to adequately guide and inform the Muslims who asked. Both Qur'an and hadith allude to the nature of sexual relations as a means of attaining mutual satisfaction, closeness and compassion between a wife and husband. "Permitted to you on the night of the Fasts is the approach to your wives. They are your garments and you are their garments."(2:187) Also, Muslims are advised to avoid sexual intercourse during menses so as not to cause discomfort to the woman (2:222).
The goal of marriage is to create tenderness between two individuals and satisfy the very basic human need for companionship. "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between you; in this are signs for those who think."(30:21) The hadith which address this issue are numerous. The Prophet himself, while not divulging all aspects of his own sexual life, was known for his nature as a loving husband who was sensitive and physically demonstrative. In several hadith, he speaks about the importance of foreplay and speaking in loving terms during sexual relations. Again, the concept of mutual satisfaction is elucidated in a hadith which advises husbands to engage in acts that enable a woman to achieve orgasm first. (see Ihya ulum-id-din (Revival of Religious Learning) by Imam Ghazzali, chapter on Marriage). Sexual dissatisfaction is considered legitimate grounds for divorce on the part of either wife or husband.
Sex Outside of Marriage
Naturally, attraction between individuals is necessary to initiate a relationship that leads to marriage. But sexual relations can obviously take place between any couple, consenting or not. Because of the far-reaching ramifications of sexual relations outside of marriage, Muslims are prohibited by God from such behavior. And because the process that leads to physical attraction and ultimately intimacy is part of human nature, Muslims are advised to behave in a way and avoid circumstances that could potentially result in extra- or pre-marital sex. Modesty in dress and behavior between women and men figures prominently as a means of exhibiting self-control. Similarly, unmarried couples are admonished against spending time alone in isolated places where they would be more likely to act on their feelings and thus be less inhibited.
Some of the negative results of sex outside of marriage include the potential for unwanted pregnancies, transmission of sexually transmitted diseases, disruption of the family and marriage (in cases of adultery), and emotional and psychological difficulties resulting from the lack of commitment associated with most relationships outside of marriage. As in other religions, extra- and pre-marital sex are considered major sins. Muslims believe that God does not simply forbid or allow behavior whimsically, but does so with our best interest at heart, guiding us away from potentially destructive behavior and towards behavior that allows us to achieve our most fulfilling potentials as human beings. For a similar reason, Muslims give up the consumption of alcohol because of faith in God's wisdom that the negative effects outweigh the positive for individuals and society at large. "Whoever submits his whole self to God, and is a doer of good, has grasped indeed the most trustworthy handhold..."{(31:22)
Contraception
Although Muslims are encouraged to have children, contraception is not prohibited. The method used during the time of the Prophet was coitus interruptus (known as 'azl) about which several hadith exist. His basic response when asked if such a practice was lawful was that individuals can do as they will, but if God intends for a child to be born, she/he will be born. Some interpreted this to mean that preventing pregnancy is not recommended because child-bearing is preferred; yet the act is not specifically prohibited. Also, other hadith stipulate that 'azl could not be practiced without the wife's consent as it might interfere with her sexual satisfaction or desire to bear children.
By analogy, the methods that exist today as contraceptives are lawful for Muslims to use at their discretion. Basically, it is our position that any method that does not involve pregnancy termination is permissible. Imam al-Ghazzali (see previous reference) lists a number of legitimate reasons for practicing contraception, including financial difficulty, emotional or psychological hardship of having many children, and even the preservation of beauty and health.
It should be clear from this discussion, that since sexual relations should be confined to marriage, contraception is so limited. It is not considered a means of easing the difficulties associated with sexual relations outside of marriage.
Abortion
Abortion is viewed in the same context as having relevance only regarding pregnancies occurring in marriage, again, not as a response to conception as a result of extra- or pre-marital relationships. Early Muslim jurists considered abortion lawful for a variety of reasons until 40 -120 days after conception (first trimester). This was based on interpretation of Qur'an (22:4 and 23:12-14) and hadith that implied that ensoulment or 'life' did not exist until after that time (see Sex and Society in Islam, B.F. Musallam, Cambridge University Press, 1983). Contemporary thinkers, considering available technology that allows visualization of the embryonic heartbeat at four weeks of gestation, are of the position that life begins much earlier than previously thought, and therefore to terminate would be to take a life illegally.
The majority of Muslims today believe that abortion is allowed only if the mother's life is significantly endangered by the pregnancy. Some also feel that the presence of certain congenital anomalies (particularly those that are lethal) make abortion lawful. Also, some scholars consider abortion appropriate in pregnancies resulting from rape or incest.
An Islamic Perspective on Sexuality
Muslim Women's League
In Islam, sexuality is considered part of our identity as human beings. In His creation of humankind, God distinguished us from other animals by giving us reason and will such that we can control behavior that, in other species, is governed solely by instinct. So, although sexual relations ultimately can result in the reproduction and survival of the human race, an instinctual concept, our capacity for self-control allows us to regulate this behavior. Also, the mere fact that human beings are the only creatures who engage in sexual relations once they are beyond the physical capacity for reproduction, sets us apart from all other species which engage in sex for the sole purpose of reproduction.
Marriage
For Muslims, based on an understanding of Qur'an and hadith, sexual relations are confined to marriage between a wife and husband. Within this context, the role of a healthy sexual relationship is extremely important. Having and raising children are encouraged among Muslims. Once a child is born, the parents are expected to care for, nurture and prepare the child for adulthood, with a goal of imparting Islam so that the indivdual is equipped with knowledge and willingness to accept and practice Islam and thus become a productive member of society.
Beyond childbearing, sexual relations assume a prominent role in the overall well-being of the marriage. In reading hadith, one is impressed with the Prophet's ability to discuss all issues including those dealing with human sexuality. The topics range from questions about menstruation to orgasm. He apparently was not embarassed by such inquiries, but strove to adequately guide and inform the Muslims who asked. Both Qur'an and hadith allude to the nature of sexual relations as a means of attaining mutual satisfaction, closeness and compassion between a wife and husband. "Permitted to you on the night of the Fasts is the approach to your wives. They are your garments and you are their garments."(2:187) Also, Muslims are advised to avoid sexual intercourse during menses so as not to cause discomfort to the woman (2:222).
The goal of marriage is to create tenderness between two individuals and satisfy the very basic human need for companionship. "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between you; in this are signs for those who think."(30:21) The hadith which address this issue are numerous. The Prophet himself, while not divulging all aspects of his own sexual life, was known for his nature as a loving husband who was sensitive and physically demonstrative. In several hadith, he speaks about the importance of foreplay and speaking in loving terms during sexual relations. Again, the concept of mutual satisfaction is elucidated in a hadith which advises husbands to engage in acts that enable a woman to achieve orgasm first. (see Ihya ulum-id-din (Revival of Religious Learning) by Imam Ghazzali, chapter on Marriage). Sexual dissatisfaction is considered legitimate grounds for divorce on the part of either wife or husband.
Sex Outside of Marriage
Naturally, attraction between individuals is necessary to initiate a relationship that leads to marriage. But sexual relations can obviously take place between any couple, consenting or not. Because of the far-reaching ramifications of sexual relations outside of marriage, Muslims are prohibited by God from such behavior. And because the process that leads to physical attraction and ultimately intimacy is part of human nature, Muslims are advised to behave in a way and avoid circumstances that could potentially result in extra- or pre-marital sex. Modesty in dress and behavior between women and men figures prominently as a means of exhibiting self-control. Similarly, unmarried couples are admonished against spending time alone in isolated places where they would be more likely to act on their feelings and thus be less inhibited.
Some of the negative results of sex outside of marriage include the potential for unwanted pregnancies, transmission of sexually transmitted diseases, disruption of the family and marriage (in cases of adultery), and emotional and psychological difficulties resulting from the lack of commitment associated with most relationships outside of marriage. As in other religions, extra- and pre-marital sex are considered major sins. Muslims believe that God does not simply forbid or allow behavior whimsically, but does so with our best interest at heart, guiding us away from potentially destructive behavior and towards behavior that allows us to achieve our most fulfilling potentials as human beings. For a similar reason, Muslims give up the consumption of alcohol because of faith in God's wisdom that the negative effects outweigh the positive for individuals and society at large. "Whoever submits his whole self to God, and is a doer of good, has grasped indeed the most trustworthy handhold..."{(31:22)
Contraception
Although Muslims are encouraged to have children, contraception is not prohibited. The method used during the time of the Prophet was coitus interruptus (known as 'azl) about which several hadith exist. His basic response when asked if such a practice was lawful was that individuals can do as they will, but if God intends for a child to be born, she/he will be born. Some interpreted this to mean that preventing pregnancy is not recommended because child-bearing is preferred; yet the act is not specifically prohibited. Also, other hadith stipulate that 'azl could not be practiced without the wife's consent as it might interfere with her sexual satisfaction or desire to bear children.
By analogy, the methods that exist today as contraceptives are lawful for Muslims to use at their discretion. Basically, it is our position that any method that does not involve pregnancy termination is permissible. Imam al-Ghazzali (see previous reference) lists a number of legitimate reasons for practicing contraception, including financial difficulty, emotional or psychological hardship of having many children, and even the preservation of beauty and health.
It should be clear from this discussion, that since sexual relations should be confined to marriage, contraception is so limited. It is not considered a means of easing the difficulties associated with sexual relations outside of marriage.
Abortion
Abortion is viewed in the same context as having relevance only regarding pregnancies occurring in marriage, again, not as a response to conception as a result of extra- or pre-marital relationships. Early Muslim jurists considered abortion lawful for a variety of reasons until 40 -120 days after conception (first trimester). This was based on interpretation of Qur'an (22:4 and 23:12-14) and hadith that implied that ensoulment or 'life' did not exist until after that time (see Sex and Society in Islam, B.F. Musallam, Cambridge University Press, 1983). Contemporary thinkers, considering available technology that allows visualization of the embryonic heartbeat at four weeks of gestation, are of the position that life begins much earlier than previously thought, and therefore to terminate would be to take a life illegally.
The majority of Muslims today believe that abortion is allowed only if the mother's life is significantly endangered by the pregnancy. Some also feel that the presence of certain congenital anomalies (particularly those that are lethal) make abortion lawful. Also, some scholars consider abortion appropriate in pregnancies resulting from rape or incest.
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